


Figuring it out

by LynnTrash



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor had a friend before senior year, Connor was not a good friend, Dancing, Forgiveness, Friendship, Gen, He's better now, Help, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I wrote this instead of studying, M/M, Making Up, Original Character(s), Other, Protective Connor, Secret friend, Some Swearing, he's trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-02-28 17:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13276344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LynnTrash/pseuds/LynnTrash
Summary: What if Connor had had a friend before Evan? And it was a girl? This is what I think would happen if Evan found out.





	1. Chapter 1

“A-are you sure I’m allowed to be in there?” Evan fiddled with the hem of his polo shirt, glancing at the heavy wooden door that separated the narrow hallway from the school’s dance studio. His shoes sat on the shoe rack next to Connor’s boots and the chill of the concrete floor was beginning to seep in. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. The teacher is pretty chill about this kind of thing.” Connor answered, twisting his hair into a bun and securing it with a bright pink scrunchy that Evan was pretty sure belonged to Zoe. Evan shot the door another nervous glance, already half planning an escape just in case. What if the teacher wasn’t as “chill” as Connor said. And then Connor would get into trouble. And then he’d be kicked out of the class. And then Connor would hate him. And then- 

Evan jumped as he felt a hand slip into his, his teeth releasing his bottom lip that he hadn’t realised he’d begun to chew. “Hey, relax, alright. I promise the teacher is alright with this. I’ve seen other kids do it. But if you really don’t want to, that’s fine too. I’ll call Zoe to send you home.” Connor squeezed his hand, speaking the low, soft voice that Jared called his “Evan voice”. 

Evan immediately felt guilty. Connor had been a little embarrassed when Evan had first found out about the tap dance lessons but had soon become excited when Evan asked if he could follow him to said lessons. And now Evan was chickening out before even entering the room. “It’s okay. I think I can do this.” Evan replied, taking a breath and looking into Connor’s eyes. 

Blue with specks of brown, filled with care and concern that he never seemed to show to anyone else except Evan. Evan loved those eyes. They were the only ones that never seemed to judge or pity him. Evan caught himself relaxing as he smiled back. Connor’s face morphed into a grin as he pulled Evan into a hug and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead, chuckling at the squeak from Evan. They had been dating for almost a month now, but Connor’s surprising affinity for PDA still took Evan by surprise. Not that Evan hated it. 

Still holding Evan’s hand, Connor threw open the door to the studio and pulled him in.  
The brightness of the studio after the dimness of the corridor made spots dance before Evan’s eyes and he had to blink a few times to clear them. Evan felt rather than saw Connor tensing up a couple of seconds before the spots cleared. And he immediately saw why. There was someone else in the room. Evan immediately burst into cold sweat. No, this was not as planned. There wasn’t supposed to be anyone else in the room. Oh my god, what if they were disturbing that person’s class? What if the person reported them to the teacher. The teacher would-

“Well...I’ll be damned. Hello, Murphy.” The person’s voice interrupted Evan’s thoughts long enough for him to take in their appearance. It was an Asian girl, her hair was in a messy bob and she had arranged her limbs into a position that made a part of Evan’s brain wince. 

“Becca.”Connor nodded at her, slowly relaxing his face into the nonchalant mask that he wore around school. Evan shot a glance at Connor. He hadn’t realised that Connor talked to anyone else outside of their own little clique. In fact, he looked almost...at ease? He definitely wasn’t acting like he usually did around school, bristling and always ready to bite.

The girl- Becca, nodded back and went back to what Evan assumed was stretching. “You can sit at ummm that corner, I guess?” Connor noticed the lack of benches the same time Evan did and pointed him towards the corner of the room where everyone put their water bottles and shoe bags during lessons. At the moment it was demarcated by a single plastic water bottle. Evan gave Connor’s hand a squeeze before going off to settle himself in the corner. 

He hugged his knees to his chest, mind buzzing. The thoughts kept circling so fast that he couldn’t quite grasp them, making his skin itch from an invisible buzzing. He gave Connor a little wave and a forced grin. Connor looked at him for a moment more, obviously worrying, before starting his own stretching. 

Evan tried to enjoy the sight of Connor in a T-shirt and tights, accentuating his slender form, doing a workout but his eyes kept getting drawn back to the girl on the opposite side of the room. Who was she? Connor seemed to know her, but he’d told Evan that he’d been his first friend or at least something to that effect that time in the computer lab. What if he had had a secret friend, Becca? And they both laughed at Evan over text. But Evan had never seen her around Connor. But then again if they were secret friends he wouldn’t want to be seen with her anyway. Yes, that was it. And the whole friendship and relationship was a lie and-

He stopped himself right there. No. Connor genuinely loved and cared for him. He’d never done anything to make Evan doubt that. But still, Evan couldn’t figure out how to crush that wriggling maggot of doubt that his anxiety kept alive. Because just what if.

They remained like that in their three individual worlds until once again Becca broke the silence. “Good to see you haven’t dropped out of school yet,” she drawled out, in the middle of sitting cross-legged while bending forward as far as she could. Connor didn’t look at her and continued doing jumping jacks. Evan was more than a little amazed that anyone would say something like that to Connor, all things including his well-known temper considered.

“And it appears you haven’t been deported,” he huffed out instead, pulling his right leg behind him and balancing on his left. Evan just stared. He didn’t really know how to process his thoughts at the moment. It was the first relatively neutral conversation he’d seen Connor have with anyone outside of the clique. 

“Well, you owe me a twenty, then.” the girl grunted as she started to do a split.

“Fuck off, Becca,” Connor replied, switching to his right leg. There was no venom in the statement though.

She glanced up in his direction, raised her hand and casually flipped him off, perfectly aware he could see her in the mirror in front of him. “Piss off, Murphy.” There was a familiarity in the conversation that unnerved Evan a little. 

Just then the teacher entered, in a leotard and tights. She was a tall woman, hair set back in a severe bun and cheekbones so sharp they looked like they could cut. She acknowledged Evan’s presence with a quick, sparrow like nod before turning to the other two. She cleared her throat and they both paused and looked up.

“Mr. Murphy, hello again. Miss Lee, I do not believe this is your class...unless you’ve decided to learn tap?” 

Becca gathered herself into a standing position, panting a little. “No madame. But I have an important performance coming up.” The teacher- Madame- nodded and turned towards Connor.

“Mr. Murphy, will she be a distraction?” Madame raised an eyebrow, challenging Connor and Becca stood behind her, arms crossed. 

“No madame,” Connor replied. If Evan was normal like Jared, he would probably have laughed a little at the sight of the two shorter women who almost seemed to intimidate Connor. But he wasn’t normal so instead he instead he found himself plucking at his khaki trousers and curling into as small a ball as possible as his thoughts buzzed in an incoherent mess just below his skin, almost but not quite swallowing him. 

He wasn’t so sure how much time has passed lost in his own thoughts when a familiar voice startled him back into reality. 

“So...you’re Evan, right?” He looked up and saw Becca, water bottle in hand, leaning against the wall just a hand’s length away from right. She was looking at him and suddenly he realised that she was expecting an answer.

“Y-yes. I am. Evan Hansen, I mean. I mean, yesI’mEvanHansen. Sorry.” He spat out, he could feel the heat from the blush and his hands started sweating. She must think he was such a loser. Couldn’t even answer a simple yes or no question without spouting out word vomit. Freak. Useless. Worthless. He braced himself for the incoming comment or worse- the uncomfortable laugh. 

“Oh, ok. Cool.” She tipped her head back and finished off the contents of her water bottle, she barely spared him a second look before going detaching herself from the wall and going back to the dance floor. 

A moment later, Evan’s brain managed to register that the girl was actually pretty. She was pretty short, easily shorter than him and you probably couldn’t find an ounce of fat on her if you tried. She had moved onto actually doing what Evan assumed was a dance routine. She moved in confidently and fluidly, even without the music. Her arms and legs like Connor’s were remarkably slim and Evan couldn’t help but admire them as she moved in a way he knew he’d never be able to. Completing a dizzying number of spins and transitioning into a running jump that ended with a spin in mid-air.

He subconsciously grimaced at the fold of skin sitting on top of his khakis and suddenly it felt gross. Sure Connor always took every chance to tell him that he was beautiful and gorgeous but Connor was his boyfriend and boyfriends were supposed to say things like that. Suddenly he was aware of every piece of flab and he swore he could feel the oil leaking out of his pores. Gross. Ugly. Disgusting. 

He looked at Connor, the sharp taps of his tap shoes on the floor pushing out seemingly impossible rhythms. Even though Madame occasionally barked at him, even though sweat was pouring down his face, even though some of his hair had gotten loose from his bun and stuck to the back of his neck. He had a grin splitting his face. He was absolutely gorgeous. At that moment he turned to look at Evan, cheeks flushed and panting. As corny as it might sound, Evan could have sworn his heart skipped a beat and he waved at Connor. He didn’t deserve someone so utterly breathtaking. 

Evan looked at his watch, the hour-long lesson was almost over. Not much longer and they could leave and Evan could emotionally recharge at home. Or sleep. Or at least try. The thoughts were pushing against his skin and skull and he was amazed he was still breathing normally, even if a little heavily. 

He was jittery by now, to say the least, he had chewed down all of his fingernails to the quick and had begun to rock a little. The moment Connor had come to tell him they could go, he sprung up like a compressed spring, almost bolting out of the building towards Connor’s car. He bounced on the balls of his feet as Connor trailed a few minutes behind, slowed down by needing to change his shoes. The moment the door was unlocked he practically threw himself into the passenger seat. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realise anyone else would be there.” Concern and guilt splashed across Connor’s face. Just a moment ago Connor had been happy. Of course, Evan had to ruin that too. He ruined everything. Worthless. Ugly. Useless.

‘No it wasn’t your fault. I’m just weird and a freak and I can’t handle you talking to other people without thinking that you think I’m a freak and that other person was pretty and I’m just ugly and gross and you should just break up with me.’ Is what Evan would have said but the words felt trapped in his throat so instead he settled for shaking his head and focussed on his freakishly loud breathing. It. Was. So. Loud.

“You okay?” Connor asked cautiously reaching out to touch Evan’s arm. Evan Jerked away from the touch. He was gross, Connor was only touching him because he was Evan’s boyfriend but Evan was gross and ugly and beautiful people like Connor shouldn’t touch him or they might gross too. The hurt in Connors' eyes was unmistakable and immediately Evan entered the spiral again. 

“You...wanna talk about it?” Connor asked, a little unsure. Evan just shook his head, drawing his knees up to his chest and hugging them. He pressed his eyes into the khaki of his trousers, the pressure distracting his from the thoughts buzzing like wasps in his head. He heard the engine starting up. Connor didn’t on the car radio and instead opted to talk about mundane things like about tap and his English teacher in his “Evan voice” knowing that the noise helped. Evan didn’t respond, just let the noise of Connor’s voice wash over the voices that kept calling him every synonym to burden. 

The moment they reached Evan’s house, he practically jumped out of the car before it stopped moving. He slung his bag over his shoulder and bolted. He managed to get the front door open after a few tries and slammed it shut behind him, not bothering to lock or latch it. He sunk down into a heap of the parquet flooring. He could hear Connor’s car idling in the driveway for what seemed like forever. The pounding of his heart, his heavy breathing and the rumble of the car engine filled his skull. And then he heard the car drive away. 

Evan finally let himself have the panic attack he’d been holding back wash over him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Becca 'talk'. Evan and Becca talk.

Connor couldn’t sleep.

Not that that was particularly unusual. Half of his medicine had insomnia as a side effect, but this time it wasn’t the medicine. He kept seeing a montage of Evan curled into a ball looking like he was barely being held together by the arms encircling his knees. 

He knew once he had driven away, Evan had probably had a panic attack and he felt guilty as hell that he hadn’t been there to talk him through it. But he knew that there were some days when Evan didn’t want him to do that. Hell, he had days when he locked himself in his room and threw every non-breakable against the wall rather than let Evan hold him and whisper how good and beautiful he was. 

Those days weren’t easy but they’d learnt not to take it personally. There were just days when you wanted to be alone with your monsters.

Instead, he’d gone home and taken a shower, eaten dinner and texted Evan his usual check-up message: ‘I love you and will always love you. Please text me when you feel up to it.’

He knew about Evan’s attempt with the tree and Evan knew about his with the pills. The day they’d found out they had held each other and cried out of a mixture of relief that neither attempt had worked and a strange empathy because finally, they’d found someone who just got it. 

This was the system they’d worked out on the bad days. A text with some form of ‘I love you’ and asking the other to text back. That was all they could do sometimes. Text and hope they’d get a reply.

He stared at the response he’d gotten a from Evan hours ago saying: Thanks :) Really drained so I’m going to try to sleep. See you tomorrow.

He read and re-read it trying to find something -anything- that would tell him what had gotten Evan so distressed and then the answer smacked him so hard in the face he almost dropped his phone and wondered if the pot he’d stopped smoking a while ago had somehow managed to rot his brain.

Becca.

Of course.

Connor had been a little shaken to see her at first. Their last interaction had been a little less than ideal. Okay, a lot less. It had ended in Connor yelling, Becca’s quiet anger and him running off. That had also been the day he’d met Evan. 

But they managed to fall back into the easy banter like a well-rehearsed script even after months of not talking. 

But wait...She’d probably have stopped dancing at least once to rehydrate. Evan had been sitting there. She could have said something. Wait no- she must have. That was why Evan was so freaked out. Connor felt his hands curl into a fist, body tensing.

Had she threatened Evan?

Or called him a name?

She’d said something wrong. And Evan had panicked.

Connor wanted to punch her. The thought of anyone saying or doing anything to hurt Evan was one of the few things he refused to calm himself down about. He’d gladly see red. Gladly let the buzzing underneath his skin be translated to violence. If that meant that Evan got hurt by one person less, he’d gladly be suspended. Gladly meet Cynthia’s disappointment and Larry’s anger. Evan didn’t deserve to be hurt. 

Connor made up his mind. He shot off a quick text to Jared Kleinman: Pick Evan up tomorrow. I’ve got something to take care off early in the morning. 

It was three in the morning but Jared texted back: Will do. Whatever it is don’t get arrested lmao 

Connor switched his phone off and closed his eyes. He’d made up his mind. Becca probably went to school early to practice for whatever recital she was going for. He knew where her locker was. Now, he at least needed to get a little sleep. He tried to count backwards from a thousand but every few numbers a montage of Becca’s and Evan’s face flashed before him.

Somehow, he managed to fall into a dreamless, fitful series of dozes that he was glad ended when the alarm rang. 

Cynthia had been a little startled at seeing Connor up so early, shoving a piece of toast into his mouth. There was easily an hour until he had to be up and she knew he liked to sleep in. She hid her surprise badly by suddenly turning chirpy and commenting how nice it was to not have to wake him up. He mumbled something about a project, trying not to let her seemingly too loud, too high, too annoying voice get to him. He knew that it was just him being a bit to high key and the shitty sleep hadn’t done anything to help his the angry itch at the back of his mind that wanted to throw something at someone. 

He drove to school a bit too fast to be safe and way over the speed limit but he didn't care. He wanted to hurt someone and in that moment he knew that someone was Becca. He let his feet rather than memory guide down the hallways to Becca’s locker. Hell, he didn’t know if she’d be there but that was shoved to the back of his mind when he saw her in what was obviously dance clothes with a large hoodie over it. She was taking out a shoe bag. Connor walked up and slammed her locker door shut, nearly catching her fingers. Taking pleasure in the sharp crash that echoed through the halls and Becca’s indignant yelp. 

“What the hell, Murphy!” She yelled, whipping around to glare at him. She was more than a head shorter than him and he immediately stepped closer, trying to intimidate her. Not that it worked. She just stood there, feet braced and arms folded across her chest, the shoe bag lay forgotten on the floor. 

“What the fuck did you say to Evan yesterday?” he growled. Becca groaned, running a hand through her hair and bent down to pick up the shoe bag on the floor.

“You know, most people tend to start conversations this early with a ‘good morning’.” She muttered trying to shoulder past Connor. He slammed his hand into the neighboring locker, blocking her path. 

“What. Did. You say. To. Evan.” He raised his voice, drawing a couple of curious glances.

“Move, Murphy. I’m not in the mood for your-”

“You tell me, then I’ll move.” Connor moved another step closer, literally toe-to-toe with her. Becca looked around at the people staring and muttered something that wasn’t in English.

“I didn’t say anything to him.” She hissed.

“Bullshit,” Connor snapped back, a little louder than he meant to. He immediately lowered his voice and hissed back. “He was super freaked out yesterday so you must have said something.”

“I didn’t say anything, Murphy. I just confirmed that he was indeed Evan Hansen. So if you wanna pick a fight about that, go ahead.” She moved to walk past him and Connor grabbed her arm, forcing her to spin around and face him. He’d be damned to let her get away with that response.

“I know you said something-” He started again.

“Murphy. For the last fucking time. I’m telling you I didn’t say anything.” She snatched her arm away from him.

“But-”

“I don’t know why your boyfriend is freaking out but I am not going to over-analyse a bloody three line dialogue to find out why. So fuck off before I actually get pissed because we both know I can take you on and I’m not afraid to.” She finished, giving Connor a push to make her point and actually making him stagger back a little before stalking past him, giving him wide berth this time. 

Connor stood there a little stunned, attracting the wary gaze of passing students. He was still pissed. Still wanted to hit something. But his target had just escaped so instead he aimed a vicious kick at her locker, trying not to show his pleasure at the dent that appeared. 

“The fuck you looking at!” He yelled, whipping around to face the students that had stopped to stare. A small part of him delighting in the way they immediately scurried past and hurried away. He let out a deep breath, and tipped his head to look at the fluorescent lights of the hallway. Fuck this, he needed to drive and get away.

He shot off a quick text to Evan before stomping out the way he’d come in. 

**************************************************************

Evan was not having a good day. 

First, he’d had a panic attack yesterday, which tired him out so badly that he hadn’t done his assignments. Not that they had been due today but backlog always made him nervous which was never a good thing.

Then he’d woken up and instead of getting a ride from Connor, Jared had been there. Not that that was bad. He and Jared had finally stopped the whole “family friends” thing and they were working on building a friendship that didn’t revolve around car insurance. But it wasn’t the same and Jared couldn’t tell him why Connor wasn’t picking him up and that made his already frayed nerves unravel further.

Then Connor had texted him that he wasn’t having a good day so he’d be missing the morning half of school. Which meant that Evan had to go to his classes without Connor walking him. Not that it was a bad thing, exactly but it wasn’t a pleasant thing and he spent every step wondering if he walked weird, if the zippers of his bag were jangling too loud and if everyone was looking at him and whispering. Same for classes.

So by the time he’d gotten a free period, he was almost bouncing from all the nervous energy. He usually went to the library but for some reason, it was actually crowded today with kids armed with calculators, bottles full of what definitely wasn’t water and...tissues?

He’d shot off a text to Jared, Alana, and Zoe asking if any of them were free. Turns out they weren’t. 

Needless to say, he took one look and walked away. He kept his head down and wandered around, not daring to stop anywhere in particular in case he attracted attention. Somehow, his feet brought him to the field at the back of the school and -bless- the space beneath the wooden bleachers was empty. He quickly scuttled into this new hiding place, wondering if this was how a squirrel felt running into the branches of a tree. He took out his sandwich and tried to eat it as fast as possible, just in case anyone came by later he’d just hurry off and they wouldn’t see him eating because Evan knew he looked weird eating and he was gross when he did and-

“Oh, hi Evan. Didn’t know this place was taken. I’ll just-er- go?” He and Becca stared at each other like two deer caught in the headlight. Evan immediately swallowed his too large mouthful and winced a little before stuffing his half-eaten sandwich into his bag and trying to brush off any crumbs. He could already feel his face flushing. God, she must think he was such a slob. 

“Nonono...umm please stay? If you want to notthatyouhavetoI’msorry.” He blurted out when he saw her backing away. She paused for a moment before cautiously sitting down about an arm’s length away from him. She didn’t take out anything to eat, instead, she leaned back and closed her eyes. “Don’t let me stop you from eating,” she said, making a shooing go ahead motion with one hand.

“Um no, it-it’s fine. I wasn’t hungry anyway.” Evan mumbled, hugging his bag to his chest. Becca didn’t say anything in return just made a sound and kept her eyes shut. Evan shot glances at her from the corner of his eyes. Each time it just made him more depressed about himself.

Long eyelashes. Evan’s barely showed. 

Slender fingers. Evan’s were stubby and the nails were disgusting.

Her neck was long too. A good long. Not giraffe-like. Evan’s was short.

Her hoodie draped over her just right even though it was clearly oversized. Evan didn’t wear hoodies very often since they always seemed to make him look fat.

Even from an objective point of view, she was really pretty. If she knew Connor maybe they had dated. They were both beautiful and it made more sense than Evan and Connor and they seemed close so yes they probably dated and Connor said he was gay but then again maybe he had experimented and it would make sense for him to experiment with someone like Becca. And now that he was dating Evan and was always comparing Evan to Becca and Evan was obviously not as pretty or talented and Connor would leave him soon and-

Just then he shot another glance at Becca and their eyes met. Oh god, she knew that he had been looking at her and she must think he was some kind of creep. He felt his mouth go dry, and suddenly his heart was hammering too hard and it hurt and he couldn’t breathe. Shitshitshit. He was gasping for breath, feeling the tears running down his face and the snot oh god the snot. He was gross and ugly and Connor would leave him.From some far away place, he could hear someone calling his name

“Oh crap. Evan. Hey Evan!” A hand lightly touched his shoulder and his head snapped up to meet brown, half-moon shaped eyes. ‘Oh god, I’m sorry you have to deal with a freak with me.’ Is what he wanted to say but instead, he just gasped like a fish on dry land. Couldn’tbreath.

“Evan. I need you to breathe with me. Can you try to do that?” Her voice was firm, but she wasn’t raising it. Evan just nodded as best as he could.

“Okay, Evan. In for five. One-” She counted but the air wouldn’t enter his lungs and he just coughed. “It’s okay Evan let’s try that again okay? In for five. One...two...” It took a couple more tries but eventually, he managed to breathe in for all five counts.

“Okay, now I need you to hold for seven. One...two…” They slowly went through the exercise. In for five. Hold for seven. Release for eight. Repeat. It took a long while and Evan’s lungs were burning but he managed to get his breathing under control eventually. 

“...Three...four-”

“I-I think I’m ok now.” Evan hiccuped.

“Right, sorry. Umm…” She held out a piece of cloth that looked like a handkerchief. She didn’t use tissue that was good. Fewer trees died. “You may want to wipe your face a little.”

Evan immediately flushed and grabbed the handkerchief, rubbing his eyes and nose and grimacing a little at how puffy they felt. And oh god there was so much snot. “I-I’ll wash it and return it to you.” He mumbled. Becca just nodded. 

“I’ll be in the dance studio most days if you need me,” she went back to sitting an arm’s length away again.

“Th-thanks,” Evan mumbled again, his voice was so croaky now. 

“Don’t sweat it.” She made that same shooing motion again from earlier. 

“Y-you handle panic at-attacks often,” he flinched at his attempt at humor. He was so lame she must think he was a loser. I mean who wouldn’t after they’d seen him like that. Becca, to her credit, didn’t sneer but instead barked out something like a laugh.

 

“Feels that way sometimes. There’s someone in my dance group that’s got anxiety so this is more or less a pre-performance ritual. She’s a damn good dancer, and once she starts dancing she kinda forgets about it until after the performance ” She explained.

“Oh.” They lapsed back into a slightly awkward silence. “Um, I-I’m just curious but umm how d-did you know I was Evan?” Evan blurted out. Of course she knew him, who didn’t? He was the kid that ran out crying from his English class when he got asked to make a presentation. He was a freak so of course he knew who he was. He was about to apologise and ask her to forget about the question.

“Oh..huh, I guess that would freak you out a little. In hindsight that probably came off as pretty stalker-ish,” She mumbled the last bit to herself, a little sheepish.

“H-how can I be sure y-you aren’t?” Evan replied. He winced a little when she stared at him. Oh crud that was offensive wasn’t it. Nobody wanted to be accused of being a stalker. But then Becca laughed. Not the hoarse bark before, more like a surprised laugh.

“Ha! I can see why Connor likes you now. Relax, you might be a pretty boy but I’m not that desperate. It was a simple deduction.”

Did she just call him ‘pretty’? 

“Last I checked Connor only hung out with two boys. Jared Kleiman and Evan Hansen. And Kleinman wears glasses. Plus he gives off a more….’desperate for a punch to the face’ vibe? Know what I mean? So you’re neither and therefore you must be Evan.” She continued, shrugging at the end.

“Oh umm thanks? Good to know people don’t want to punch me in the face?” Evan replied. Still a little stuck on the fact that she had called him ‘pretty’.

Becca threw back her head and laughed again. “Pretty and has a sense of humour. Connor has himself a catch.” She replied grinning. There it was again. She had just seen him tears and snot dripping down his face in a panic attack and had called him ‘pretty’. Maybe she was just being nice. 

“Connor’s the pretty one in the relationship,” Evan shot back, maybe a little too forcefully. 

“You’re both pretty,” Becca said, shrugging.

“I-I’m not pretty, not like Zoe or Alana or you-” Evan clapped his hand over his mouth. What if she thought he was trying to hit on her and told Connor. Stupidstupidstupid.

“Don’t you worry, you’re pretty in your own way. Besides I’ve never dated Connor so you’ve definitely won in that category. To be fair it was sort of by default. That boy is as gay as they come.” Becca said with a snort at the last sentence.

“You never dated Connor?” Evan asked hoping that the relief wasn’t showing.

“Nope,” she replied popping the ‘p’.

“D-did you ever want to?” Evan asked. 

Becca had to think for a moment before answering that one, “We were good friends and sometimes it seemed like more but I never took that leap. To be fair, I knew I didn’t have a chance. Him being gay and all.” She ended the sentence with a resigned shrug and a sigh. 

“H-how come I’ve never seen you around then? If the two of you were close.” Evan blurted out. That had been bugging him for a while.

“I don't hang around him anymore because...well, he has you guys now, doesn't he? And he’s happier now. I’m not about to ruin that by making things awkward.” She shrugged again and Evan had to wonder if it was a habit of hers.

Evan didn’t say anything. Couldn’t. Instead he traced a crack in the concrete and stayed silent.

This time Becca was the one who broke the silence by clearing her throat.

“I’m glad he’s got you. You’re...well you’re good for him.” 

“W-what?” Evan stammered out. Because if there was one thing he hadn’t expected from Becca it had been that.

“You. Are. Good. For. Connor Murphy. You're good for him in a way I couldn't be. Maybe I was what he needed when he was young and angsty and angry at the world. But I'm not now. Not anymore when he is trying to move on and be more. You're what he needs now. Not me. And I can't compare to that.” He could see the blush staining her cheek and ears pink. 

“I guess what I’m trying to get at is,” She cleared her throat again clearly embarrassed, “Look I'm not the smartest cookie in the tin but I can tell you one fact: You are special to Connor Murphy. More special than me. Hell, he puts up with Jared Dickhead Kleinman for you. He looks at you the way I can only wish someone would look at me. So...uumm treat him right, yeah.”

“Is th-this the ‘break his heart and I’ll break your bones’ part?” Evan squeaked, he was blushing from secondhand embarrassment at this point. 

“In summary, yeah” Becca laughed running a hand through her hair. “More like...look after him. He’s not as tough as he wants to think.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Evan smiled fondly as the image of Connor asking for a hug after a rough day popped into his head.

Becca suddenly got up. “Right then, my free period is almost over. I should get going. Also if I talk any more I’ll end up sounding like some mother-in-law. Bye. Just return me the handkerchief whenever.” She grabbed her bag and ran off, leaving Evan in a blushing, mildly confused, smiling mess.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was surprisingly free today so I managed to write another chapter. Hope you like it :3

Evan was sitting cross-legged on Connor’s bed, Connor had his head on Evan’s lap and Evan was braiding Connor’s hair. Connor was reading a book for his AP English class and with the evening sunlight filtering into the room that turned his skin and hair golden...Beautiful didn’t even begin to cut it. 

Which was why Evan was sorry for what he was going to do.

“So…” Connor made a little hum of acknowledgment, prompting Evan to continue. “What’s the deal with you and Becca?”

Connor tensed and his voice sounded a little wary when he responded. “There isn’t one. Not anymore.”

“She and I were talking-,” Connor immediately spun around and Evan squeaked his protest as the section of braid he’s been working on was ripped out of his hand and started to unravel. Connor grabbed both of Evan’s hands in his, eyebrow knitted together in obvious concern.

“Did she say something to you? You can tell me-” 

“Nonono,” Oh god this was getting a bit out of hand. “She was...nice? She helped me through a panic attack and-”

“You had a panic attack?!” Connor’s voice was raised and Evan flinched. This had been a mistake and Evan felt his eyes grow hot and wet

Connor’s face immediately fell as he pulled Evan into a gentle hug. “Shh, no no babe. I’m not angry at you. I promise. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have shouted.” Evan melted into the hug and Connor’s familiar scent of detergent and coffee. He drew circles into Connor’s back and they relaxed into each other. Evan heaved Connor onto the bed next to him and they lay face to face. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor repeated, barely a whisper, wiping away the tears from Evan’s eyes. Evan smiled and pressed a chaste kiss to Connor’s lips. Connor grinned and grabbed the small of Evan’s back to prevent him from moving away before deepening the kiss.

They broke away breathless and giggling. Oh, the sound of Connor’s giggles was intoxicating and Evan wanted it to go on forever. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind Connor’s ear. They stayed like that. Breathing and existing in the darkening room. 

“So what did you want to say about Becca?” Connor asked, his voice was softer now. Still tense but at least he seemed calmer.

“I-uh- I wanted to know why you never talked about her before.”

Connor sighed but he didn’t make a move to leave. Evan waited, reveling in the feeling of Connor tracing patterns on top of his polo.

“There...there was never a good time. We got into an argument the same day I met you...and there just wasn’t a good time. And well...I didn’t know how to talk about her. She and all you guys...you’re from different worlds. And she never approached me so I thought she didn’t want to talk.” 

“Different worlds how?” Evan prompted. Connors' hands stilled.

“I can’t say too much...but she lives in the north-west part of town.” Evan tensed a little. The north-west was the rougher part of the district. Gangs. Drugs. Muggings. The north-west was where those kinds of those kinds of things happened every other day. Jarod, Alana, the Murphy siblings and he all lived in the suburbs. Not an hour away but it might as well have been a different world with its white picket fences and parks. 

“So...did you two get to know each other?”

“Well…” Connor began.

*********************************************  
“You know the rules, Murphy. No money, no honey,” The boy’s face was pockmarked with old pimple scars and his hair had an oily sheen. He was at least half a head shorter than Connor but he swaggered forward with the confidence of someone who wasn’t used to being challenged. The buzzing in Connor’s ears made him want to plant a fist into the boy’s face. He’d run out his supply and needed a fix. Fast.

Connor growled and made a move towards the boy and found a fist planted in his stomach. He tried to get a good swing at the older boy but he was just starting to get used to his lankiness and the other boy had been in more than a few street scuffles. So Connor found himself face first on the asphalt with a bony knee plated into his back and the gleam of metal in his peripheral vision. 

“Oh now that I look closely, you’re mighty pretty,” the boy purred into his ear and Connor had to stop himself from gagging. “I can get you stronger stuff. Good stuff. But I need a little payment.” Connor squirmed trying to break loose but the knee just dug further into his spine and he had to stop himself from crying out. Suddenly, there was the sound of a can hitting what sounded like a skull and the hiss that followed it confirmed the fact. 

“Oi quit that,” it was a girl. And they didn’t sound that old. Connor almost groaned. Fat lot of use they’d be.

“Bugger off, Becca. This ain’t none of your business.” The boy on top of him responded gruffly. 

“You’re on my block so it just did,” Wait. If it was one against two? Maybe they did have a fighting chance, Connor squirmed again. The only thing he got for his efforts was a snarl from his attacker and something slammed into the back of his skull making his vision blur at the edges,

“And what you gonna do, huh?”

“For one, I’m gonna tell your boss. I know he don’t like his runners going to schools. Not after that drug bust on Chump street.” The boy on top of him spluttered, a little lost for words.

“You wouldn’t do it.”

“You’d be surprised at what I would and wouldn’t do. You know what, lemme call your ‘Pizzeria’ and ask them how they feel about this. And you want me to tell them you’ve also been cutting the produce and taking part for yourself?” There was a distinct sound of a flip phone being opened. Who the hell used a flip phone nowadays? Connor blinked away the spots from his vision. God his head was beginning to hurt. 

“You don’t know the number.” 

“You wanna take a chance on that?”

There was a pause when Connor was sure that they were staring down each other but at the sound of a keypad beeping, the weight abruptly left Connor’s back and he heard the shuffle of sneakers that grew fainter. He heard the crunch of shoes approaching and he looked up to see a worn pair of Nikes that belonged to a small Asian girl. Rebecca Lee. Of course, it was her. 

“Get goin home, Murphy. You’re half a life too young to take on these streets.” She held out a hand and he grabbed it, letting her pull him up. She was surprisingly strong for her size. Then again considering her previous shenanigans he shouldn’t be surprised.

“Before you do something this stupid again, at least make sure you get in touch with a better middleman. Georgie is the scum of the earth,” She muttered in a low voice as Connor blinked, still a little dizzy. The adrenaline was leaving his system, making him feel weak and shaky.

“Also, if you’re gonna do something stick to weed. The shit Georgie uses to cut his moxie could kill a horse.” She finished and started to walk off.

“I didn’t need your help,” Connor finally spat out as viciously as he could while leaning against a brick wall.

She barked out a harsh sound that was probably meant to be a laugh. “Right. Whatever floats your boat but if you were into some kind of kinky sex play, I’m sorry I interrupted. And I don’t give a damn about you. I’m doing it ‘cuz the last thing I want is for cops to come here.”

“Why? You got a meth lab in your kitchen or something,” Connor goaded her, wanting to get some kind of a reaction other than apathetic coolness. 

“I wouldn’t touch the stuff, thanks,” Becca replied her voice even. That pissed Connor off even more for some reason.

“Bullshit, you’re probably a runner for some triad gang yourself. The school newspaper is going to have an awesome scoop.” Connor didn’t care at this point how little sense he was making, just wanted her to get pissed at him so he could hit someone.

“I just told you. I’m. Not. Involved.” She shot back through gritted teeth.

“Ha, then why don’t you want any attention to this area. Oh wait it’s not you, is it? Your neighbours?Yo-” Connor suddenly felt himself jerked forward by the collar of his shirt, and immediately there was the thrill. Yes, he wanted a scuffle. He could already feel his fist clenching. 

Suddenly her mouth was right next to his ear.

“Look ok. We don’t have much time. Piss off before Georgie calls my bluff and heads back and decides to finish what he started.” She hissed, shoving him back against the wall.

“What about you?” Becca shoved her hands into her pockets, slowly letting out a breath of air and running a hand through her hair. She turned to him and grinned.

“Don’t you worry about me, Murphy. I can take care of myself.” She was already backing out of the alley, heading into the open street.

“Yeah, sure you can” Connor muttered. He closed his eyes, trying to shut the dizziness out and when he opened them, Becca was gone.   
********************************************************************************************************************************************

The next day Becca appeared as Connor’s dance class with a black eye and they started talking. 

Evan was silent throughout, just staring at him with those big blue eyes that he could drown in. When he was done, Evan buried his head into Connor’s neck and stayed silent. 

“The reason Becca and I started hanging out after that was because we're similar. We have different issues but we were hella similar. We got along and we were both the "violent emo loners" so we stuck together, yknow. Convenience. And because we didn't rip each other's throats out.” Connor continued, running a hand gently through Evan's hair, marveling a little at the fluffiness and the motion’s ability to calm him down.

“I owe her big time,” Evan mumbled into neck, making him squirm a little.

“Don’t you mean I owe her big time,” Connor corrected. Evan lifted his head to look at Connor and shook it slowly.

“No. She kept you safe. I owe her so much for that.” Evan explained. “If she hadn’t…”

Connor lifted his head and pressed a kid to Evan’s lips to silence him. He let the unspoken linger in the silence around them. Connor may have really ended up a junkie. Okay, a worse junkie. Or dead. 

Evan lightly nipped at Connor’s bottom lip, and Connor more than happily opened his mouth to let Evan’s tongue explore. They continued like that, breaking apart to breathe before continuing, letting the sensation wash away worries of the past. Letting them was away together with the last vestiges of daylight. 

“Remind me to bake her some cookies or something,” Evan mumbled at one point. Connor chuckled, his laughter and bliss infected Evan and they soon became a giggling mess. Connor looked into Evan’s eyes again, in the twilight they were almost navy and he grinned into the kiss Evan offered him, more than happy to continue where they’d left off.


	4. Chapter 4

Evan hesitated outside the door to the dance studio. He could hear a faint strain of music from within but other than that, nothing. He’d given the door a couple of timid knocks before this but no one had answered. So instead he stood there in his socks and clutching the newly washed handkerchief that Becca had lent him the other day. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, hoping someone would open the door soon. 

Becca had said that she was usually in the dance studio but that didn’t mean that she was in the dance studio now and Evan might be annoying whoever was in there and he should just go and maybe come back after school-

The door swung open and Evan barely managed to avoid getting a faceful of wood. Becca emerged a moment later, empty water bottle in hand. She didn’t seem to notice Evan as she walked out of the studio, letting the door swing shut behind her and shoving her feet into a worn pair of sports shoes. 

“Umm er Hi, Becca?” Evan managed to stutter out.

“What the- Oh hi, Evan.” Becca whipped around, to stare at him. “When did you get here?”

“About twenty minutes ago,” Evan answered sheepishly, twisting the handkerchief in his hand and then remembering why he’d come here in the first place. “I-er-Ibroughtyourhandkerchief.” He finally blurted out, holding out the little white cloth like a limp flag of surrender.

“Oh-um-thanks.” She reached out and took it from him, still staring. “Did you want to talk?” 

“Oh well...er...yes?” Evan had not planned this far and he didn't know why he'd said yes. 

“Okay...cool. I'm just going to refill my water bottle and I'll be back. You can go into the studio if you want. Or stay out here. Up to you.” She waved the empty plastic bottle in her hand to make a point and Evan nodded eve though she'd already turned around and started jogging away. Was it a habit of hers to just leave abruptly?

The studio was filled with piano music coming from a little stereo in the corner that looked like it had seen better days. Only one of the lights was on which meant that half the room was in varying shades of darkness. It felt different from the last time he'd been in here. Softer, more private, mysterious. 

Suddenly Evan was filled with the urge to try something very Jared-esque. So he ran a few step before placing both his feet on the floor and sliding forward a few feet on the wooden floor. He almost overbalanced and fell down but still...it was surprisingly fun. Which was why Evan did it again, this time trying to end it with a little twirl and failing miserably but he was giggling. So he did it again. And again. And again.

Until he heard the door to the studio open and then Becca was there and this time he really overbalanced and fell down. He immediately felt his face flush and he picked himself up to try and maintain his dignity. Becca pretended not to see anything and instead went to reset the track playing on the stereo.

“You wanted to talk?” Becca said after a while to break the silence.

“Oh um yes,” Evan said, no he did not really want to talk but he was already here and not talking would be awkward so he scrambled for a topic of conversation and pounced on the first thing that made itself coherent.

“I think it's really cool that you use a handkerchief.” Becca was staring at him like he'd grown a second head so Evan did the only thing he could think of. “I mean. A lot of people use tissues and it kills a lot of trees so it's nice to see that you use a handkerchief...because trees are important. And we need them to survive…” Evan felt his voice trail off as his brain went on red alert for weirdness.

“So...you really like trees, huh?” Becca said, sitting cross-legged on the floor and eyeing Evan a little cautiously.

“Yeah, I do! I-I worked as a ranger over the summer holidays a-and it was really cool.” Evan continued, it had been the one job he'd felt up to mainly because it didn't require much human contact.

“That's neat. I was doing mostly cashier work and waitressing over the summer. It's nice that you managed to get a job that you're passionate about.” She started doing some light stretching and Evan had to wonder if she ever just sat still. 

“W-why did you do those jobs then?” Evan asked, and immediately felt like slamming his head into a wall. That was so rude. 

“I needed the money. New pointe shoes don't pay for themselves.” Becca replied.

“You do ballet?” Evan asked feeling his eyes widen a bit. That was really cool. He could kinda see why though, Becca was flexible and she had a good build for it.

“Yeah. I know it doesn't really fit with my image so go ahead and laugh if you want.” Becca replied, her voice resigned and guarded.

“N-no. Not at all. I think it’s really cool. I didn’t know ballet could look like what you were doing the other day. You know? The day before yesterday? I didn’t think ballet could look so...free?” Evan scrambled to fix his mistake.

“Oh, that wasn’t ballet. That was contemporary.” Becca answered simply. 

“Oh,” Evan responded blushing. She must think he was really dumb now. He tried to start up the conversation again, a little more cautious this time. “So which are you doing for the performance?”

“Both. I’m performing one ballet and one contemporary piece. I was doing the ballet routine before you came in.” She explained, using the handkerchief Evan had returned her to wipe away some sweat.

“Oh, sorry. I’m keeping you from practice aren’t I. Sorry.” Evan felt his face go red, he was wasting her time. He should just bury himself in a cave and never come out again.

“Not really. I was about to wrap up for the afternoon. I’ve got classes in fifteen minutes.” Becca said, looking at the clock in the studio.

“I would’ve thought that you l-lived in the dance studio.” Evan tried joking. But it was true, she always seemed to be here so he wondered if she ever went to classes.

“Almost do,” Becca replied, chuckling, “But even I go to classes once in a while. Usually just my AP ones though. The rest I can learn up by myself if I try.” 

“Don’t your parents mind that you skip?” Evan couldn’t stop himself from suddenly putting on a thick southern accent and drawing out the words. This always manages to get a laugh out of people for some reason.

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” Becca shot back with a small wink. Evan laughed a little uncomfortably as the image of Heidi popped up into his head, accompanied by her clicking her tongue. He wasn’t exactly comfortable with the idea of lying to his mum. Mostly because he’d learnt that he was horrible at it. 

“So erm...ballet and contemporary, huh?” Evan tried again immediately switching back to the safe conversation topic.

“Yeah. I’ve been doing ballet since I was five. Contemporary was only in my teens but I’ve gotten pretty good at it. It helps. I don’t think as much when I’m moving my body,” Suddenly Becca winced. “Oh shit that was probably TMI. Forget I said that.”

“No no, it’s fine. I wish I could stop thinking sometimes and er nature helps? I wish I could dance but I...I can’t. Haha,” Evan laughed uncomfortably, scratching the back of his neck.

“Anyone can dance. You just haven’t found the right type.” Becca said firmly. “Tell you what. Do you know the waltz?” Evan shook his head and Becca sprung to her feet. “Right then, come here.” She motioned, eyes gleaming and a smile lifting up her lips.

Evan shuffled forward, Becca seemed like a force of nature once she got excited about something.

“First of all, posture.” She gently pushed his back outwards while pushing his shoulders backwards. “You were slouching. Now relax your shoulders. And voila! You’re practically a new man.” She flourished towards one of the wall to wall mirrors and Evan couldn’t help but stare. He looked...taller, more confident. Did he look...good? 

“Now, put your left hand in mine.Yes, like that. Your right will be on my shoulder blades. Sorry, I’m still a little sweaty,” Becca continued, grabbing Evan’s left hand firmly while using her right to guide his other hand to the correct position. 

“And finally, just mirror what I do. Left foot out, lift your toe and pivot. Right foot to left foot.” Evan tried to keep up with her and nearly tripped over his own feet, apologising and blushing.

“I’m sorry. I’m really clumsy-”

“It’s okay. Let’s do that again. One, left foot out. Two, lift and pivot. Three, right meets left.” Becca cut him off firmly, guiding him through the steps again. They continued at a constant pace made of the three steps, Evan slowly gaining confidence. 

“Ok, now you lead,” Becca said, suddenly stopping. Evan shook his head, he couldn't. There was no way he’d be able to lead without stepping on her toes or tripping.

“Relax. Now fix your posture and just do what we were doing just now. One, two, three. Your feet will remember what to do. Don’t worry.” Becca tugged at his hand insistently. Evan took a deep breath, pushing his shoulders back and straightening his spine. 

One, foot out.

Two, lift and pivot.

Three, right to left.

Evan left out a delighted laugh and was joined by Becca’s grin. “I did it. I did it!”

“Yes you did,” Becca nodded in agreement. “Good job. You can now dance the box step.”

They continued for a few more rounds, the steps coming more and more naturally to Evan. Suddenly he let go of Becca’s back and lifted his left hand higher, instinctively Becca obliged him with a twirl and Evan giggled. 

“There see, told you so. You can dance,” Becca said, giving him a pat on the back and finally breaking the hold. “Go give Murphy a surprise the next time you guys hang out,” She finished, grinning broadly as Evan blushed. 

“Hey um, sorry to ask you this but did Connor ever mention me? Before we met?” Becca asked, her confidence gone as she studiously avoided eye contact.

Evan hesitated a moment too long and Becca had her answer. “There you go. I’m just his dirty little secret. I bet that if he had had a choice he would rather you not have known about my existence. Whatever, I’m over it anyway.” Evan could have imagined it, but there was a flicker of sadness just before the bitter, resigned smile took its place.

“I-No! I’m sure that-” Becca cut off the oncoming stream of apologies with a wave of her hand.

“It’s fine. I get it. Like I said yesterday: He doesn’t need me anymore. It’s...fine. I’m okay.” Becca’s voice broke a little at the end and she stared at the orange light that illuminated the studio. “It’s fine.” She murmured again, this time to no one in particular, more like she was trying to convince herself. 

“Shit!” Becca’s sudden exclamation made Evan jump, and he saw her attention had been redirected to the wall clock of the studio. “I’m late. Trenton’s going to murder me.” She muttered, grabbing her water bottle and rushing to the door. Evan just stayed out of her way as she moved past him, resolutely silent and staring at the wood grain of the floor. 

“Hey.” Evan looked up to see Becca paused at the door, she seemed to be struggling with something for a moment before blurting out. “Tell Connor I said hi.”

With that, the studio door slammed behind her and she was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are racial slurs in this chapter so just be warned

Evan had established a sort of routine. He usually hung out with Connor or some other member of the gang but the couple of times a week when his free periods didn't match up with theirs he'd go to the dance studio to find Becca. And she'd always be there.

Sometimes he'd watch her as she practiced her dance routines and others they'd just sit around and talk. They tried to avoid talking about Connor. 

Today was one of the sit around and talk days. 

“...which is how that school-wide meme suddenly appeared.” Becca finished the unfortunate tale of why she was almost banned from the chemistry lab and Evan was rolling on the floor gasping for breath. 

“And you just...ran?” Evan heaved out, tears streaming down his face as he stared at Becca in disbelief.

“It was a tactical retreat.” Becca defended as Evan went into another fit of laughter. Finally, she saw the absurdity of the statement and just laughed along with him. 

After a couple of minutes that left Evan gasping for breath and nursing a stitch in his side, he sat up and wiped away the tears of laughter from his eyes. “Y-you know, you're really easy to talk to.” He told Becca, which made her throw back her head and laugh. 

“That's a new one. Certainly explains why I'm ever so popular.” She barked out a laugh, Evan shook his head earnestly.

“No really. Take it from the kid with social anxiety. N-normally I wouldn't be able to talk to someone like this.” Becca smiled wearily at him.

“Evan, no offense pretty boy, but you talk to a lot of people that nobody else feels comfortable talking to.” In that moment they both knew the one person she was actually referring to but neither commented on it. Instead, Evan bunched up the hem of his shirt and took a deep breath before blurting out. 

“You could too!” Becca looked at him, clearly a little confused, so Evan explained the plan that he’d been concocting at the back of his mind for the past week. 

“Y-you could hang out with the rest of my...group? They’reallreallynicebutyoudon’thaveto-”

“Evan. Breathe,” Becca commanded and Evan shut up and took a shaky breath. Trying to calm his fluttering heart. Becca was never mean and she never said anything mean but still Evan was a nervous wreck about this. He took another breath for good measure. 

“Are you inviting me to a group...outing?” Becca clarified. Evan nodded, grateful that he didn’t have to repeat himself again. “Gee, pretty boy...I dunno. It’s really sweet of you and all but-”

“I think you’d get along with them. Really.” Evan pleaded. He knew better than most how it felt to be alone. Becca handled hers well, crafting it into a mask of general apathy and disinterest, but there were times when she was laughing or talking or dancing when it cracked just momentarily and there it was. The loneliness and sadness in the set of her mouth, the gratefulness of having someone there in her eyes. It was there, and in those moments she resembled him and Connor and the rest of the group before they found each other so strongly that Evan just wanted to fix it.

“Evan, really. I think it’s nice of you but-”

“Just...Please? There’s this really nice ice cream place that we go to hang out. It could be...fun? Please?” Evan pleaded again. He widened his eyes into what Jared and Connor called his “puppy dog eyes”. They were weak to it. Becca hesitated before sighing and running a hand through her hair. 

“I’ll think about it.” She finally responded. 

“I was thinking this Friday. Is that ok?” Evan prodded. He knew the studio closed early then, Connor had complained about it more than once when he’d gotten his tap shoes locked up for the weekend.

“Yeah, if I got nothing on.” She replied coolly, and a part of Evan dared to hope for victory. 

“I’ll text you the details then,” Evan glanced at the clock, his free period was almost over and he got up to leave. 

“Evan…” Becca started. Evan froze, oh no she was having second thoughts, wasn’t she. The power of the puppy dog eyes hadn’t been enough. “I’m pretty sure you don’t have my number.”

Evan almost sighed in relief. “Oh yeah silly me.” He fumbled around and fished his phone out of his bag the same time that Becca grabbed hers from one of the many shelves that held stacks of CDs. It was a simple pink flip phone and Evan couldn’t help staring. Who used a flip phone in this day and age. He wordlessly exchanged his phone with Becca’s and saw that she had already programmed it to add a new contact, which Evan was glad for. He typed in his number, the tap of Becca’s fingers across his phone screen and the beep of the flip phone’s buttons were the only sounds in the room. 

When they were done they took their respective phones back, Evan shoved his back into his pocket and Becca put hers back on the shelf. They stood facing each other a little awkwardly until Becca opened her mouth the same time Evan did.

“You should-”

“I should-”

Evan giggled and Becca rolled her eyes. “You should get going to class.” Becca finished, and Evan nodded. 

“I’ll text you.” Evan reminded and Becca made a noise at the back of her throat as she made her way to the stereo which Evan took as an ‘I know’. Satisfied, a little nervous but excited for the end of the week, Evan left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, why are we here again?” Jared whined, stretching his long legs under the bench and effectively managing to turn himself into the very image of an overgrown nine-year-old. Evan’s leg was bouncing under the table. Becca was almost ten minutes late and Evan couldn’t help but wonder if she’d decided to bail or if she’ gotten into an accident and was lying in a ditch somewhere and the last text she'd gotten may have been from Evan and-

Connor placed a hand on his thigh and gently squeezed. He and Zoe had been just as confused when Evan had gathered them all in A La Mode via text and his only explanation was that he had a bit of a surprise for them. Not they never hung out together here but it was almost time for mid-years and they thought Evan would be barricading himself in his room and cramming. Not that they were complaining, it would be good for Evan to just relax and chill. It was honestly the ‘surprise’ that they were a little wary about. Alana had already texted earlier that she would be a little late since she was caught up with the Yearbook Committee and told them to go ahead.

Just then, there was the purr of a motorcycle’s engine which made every person in the ice cream parlour turn to look out of the large glass windows that spanned the length of the wall. A sleek black motorcycle pulled into the parking lot, Evan wasn’t too sure what model it was except that it wasn’t a Vespa or a Harley Davidson. The rider pulled into an open spot near the building and dismounted. They took off the black helmet they’d been wearing and shook out their shoulder-length hair.

Evan breathed a sigh of relief. It was Becca. So she hadn’t decided to bail. The bell at the shop entrance jingled as she pushed the door and Evan knew that all eyes were on her. In her black leather jacket, riding gloves and scuffed boots, she was a far cry from A La Mode’s usual clientele, which mostly consisted of young families, groups of friends like Evan’s and retirees. She looked out of place standing in the middle of the pastel oasis which was A La Mode’s colour scheme, craning her neck as if searching for something. Oh wait, Evan almost facepalmed. She couldn’t see them sitting in the booths. Evan got up and waved while the rest of his table alternated between staring at him and staring at Becca. She caught the motion from across the room and strode resolutely towards the group, looking like a soldier that was going to war. 

“Hi-erm-guys this is-” Evan started.

“Oh my god Evan, did you fucking clone a genderbent Connor Murphy?! Dude, I know you’re bi but this is way beyond kinky.” Jared whisper-shouted, not trying to be discreet. Evan swore he could feel the eyes of every staff and customer fixed on their booth.

“S-shut up, Jared. ‘Snot like that.” Evan mumbled, picking at the hem of his shirt. Becca and Connor were behaving like two cats having a face-off, they’d either get along or this would get ugly. Zoe was thoroughly confused, clearly having no idea who Becca was.And Jared...Well, he was the only one behaving like he normally did. 

“Is this what they’re teaching you in AP Biology? If so, I’m gonna transfer and-”

“Come on Kleinman, you know me.” Becca plonked herself down next to Evan and picked up the menu. “Because I remember you giving out Math and Science books to every Asian on campus and asking if we got off to it. By the way, my teachers love your doodles on the tangent graphs.” Jared spluttered a little, surprised at being called on for his bullshit. Evan tried, unsuccessfully, to hide his giggle while Connor openly guffawed and even Zoe grinned into her parfait. 

“It was artistic license,” Jared, defended, hand on his heart to feign hurt which made both Connor and Becca snort at the same time, surprising everyone at the table including the two of them. “Oh my god...they’re even syncing up,” Jared muttered, his jaw dropping overdramatically in the way only Jared could make look natural. The boy was practically two-thirds drama. 

“Hi, can I get you anything?” the waitress asked notebook in hand, eyeing Becca a little warily. 

“Yeah...I’ll have a banana split. Chocolate flavoured please.” Becca responded quickly after giving the menu a once over. The waitress nodded and took down the order before setting down a glass of water for Becca. 

Becca played a little with the straw, spinning it around the glass and letting the ice clink gently at the sides of the glass. The awkwardness had returned with a vengeance and Evan wished Alana was here with her endless list of small talk. “So...er, am I going to be introduced or what?” Zoe finally spoke up. 

Evan was about to open his mouth when Becca bent over the table, palm out to shake Zoe’s hand. “Rebecca Lee. People usually call me Becca.” They shook hands firmly and quickly. 

“Zoe Murphy. I’m Connor’s sister.” Becca nodded and relaxed back onto her seat. 

“So, how do you know Evan?” Zoe continued. Evan was a little confused as to why she hadn’t asked about Becca’s relationship with Connor and then he realised that Zoe had thought that Evan was Connor’s first friend. Connor really hadn’t wanted anyone to know about Becca. Becca, whether she already knew or whether she didn’t care, looked completely unfazed.

“Big Murphy over there,” She jerked her head at Connor before continuing, “brought Evan into the dance studio. We started talking from there.” Zoe nodded, seemingly satisfied by the answer. 

“Evan...you smooth mother-,” Jared caught the glare of the young mother opposite them and quick amended, “-fella, why is it that you get to talk to all the pretty people?” Jared grumbled. 

“M-maybe because I don’t start conversations by in-insulting them,” Evan shot back, talking back to people other than in his head was still unfamiliar, but he was rewarded by a one-armed squeeze from a laughing Connor, a grin from Becca and a snort from Zoe as Jared stared at him gobsmacked before launching into a series of complaints about how Becca and Connor were clearly bad influences on Evan. 

They were interrupted by the waitress serving them Becca’s banana split. Becca dug in her spoon in and shoved a generous scoop of banana, ice cream and hot fudge sauce into her mouth, letting out a moan so loud that it made the others at the table blush a little. 

“Thought you had a performance coming up. You sure you should be eating that?” Connor teased, reaching out as if to pull away the bowl of ice cream. Becca immediately circled her arm around it protectively.

“Shut up and let me have my cheat day.” She mumbled through another large mouthful of banana split. 

“Hi guys, sorry I’m- Oh hi. I’m Alana Beck!” Just then Alana appeared, a little out of breath and clothes rumpled. She paused for a moment when she saw Becca and immediately straightened her posture and held out a hand, customary smile on. Becca swallowed her ice-cream a little convulsively, wincing as the large mouthful made its way down her throat. She shook Alana’s hand, eyeing her a little warily. 

“Becca.” She responded simply. 

“So you must have been the surprise Evan was talking about,” Alana chirped and she took the open seat next to Zoe. She immediately started talking about some surprise she’d gotten for her tenth birthday which had been ‘less than pleasant’. She talked animatedly, Zoe chiming in with a comment or a gasp, Jared occasionally referenced a meme no one got, Evan for the most part listened quietly except to let out a giggle and even Connor rolled his eyes or barked out a laugh or two. 

They moved easily from one topic to another. Zoe’s jazz band, yearbook preparation, the new Jumanji movie...Evan relaxed into Connor’s side, reveling in the warmth as his boyfriend wrapped an arm around him. It was peaceful and familiar and maybe that was why he hadn’t noticed Becca becoming quieter and more withdrawn as the conversation went on. 

“...and that’s why-” They were interrupted by a clatter as Becca set her spoon down into the now empty bowl of banana split. They stared at her carefully blank expression and she placed a fiver on the table and wiped her mouth with a napkin. 

“Well, that was absolutely lovely, folks,” She threw a careless grin around the table, but everyone could see how forced it was. “I’ll be off now. Don’t mind me, just keep talking.” She continued, getting up abruptly and turning to make her way out. 

“B-Becca?” Evan stammered out, not understanding what had caused her sudden change in mood. Not half an hour ago she’d been...well she’d been herself. Not this overly chirpy, jumpy Becca. 

“Sorry, Evan. But the whole friendship is magic thing? Not really my gig,” Becca held Evan’s gaze before turning away. “I’m sorry,” She finished, honestly sounding a little sad, before walking out, heels of her boots smacking against the tiled floor. The purr of the motorcycle followed soon after. 

“Yeesh, what was that?” Zoe finally commented once the silence at the table got too awkward. Evan looked absolutely miserable and Connor was whispering into his ear to comfort him. Alana was a little pale and tapped out a nervous tune on the table, running through every line of conversation to see what might have upset Becca. Even Jared was quiet as he stirred his iced coke. 

“Who knows,” Jared replied shrugging, chewing on a bit of ice. “With people like her, it’s hard to tell what exactly can set them off. She was like-” Jared stopped himself there, not wanting to cross that line. But everyone could complete the sentence: like Connor before he met Evan. 

“How exactly?” Zoe asked, lifting an eyebrow. She’d had first-hand experiences with pre-Evan Connor and Becca-until just now- had seemed nothing like it. There’d been no sudden fits of anger, no jumpiness and snarky remarks. 

Jared snorted. “You think your brother is bad? She got herself suspended for two weeks on her first day of school.” 

Zoe whipped to face Alana who she viewed as the most trustworthy news source in the whole school. “Unfortunately...that’s very true,” Alana answered her silent question, adding. “She put one of the current star quarterbacks out of commission for a whole week.” 

“You guys make it sound worse than it was,” Connor butted in, rolling his eyes. 

“You talk like you were there, Murphy,” Jared challenged, leaning forward.

“Actually I was,” Connor huffed. “Front row seats and everything.”

“Okay, then what happened?” Alana probed.

Connor looked around the table and everyone was leaning towards him as if he had been hit by the spotlight. He relaxed back into the booth seat, one arm still around Evan and drawled out “Well then…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Connor was stuck. He’d been minding his own business at his locker when there’d been a crash from the locker not two feet away from him, making the whole row shudder. He’d instinctively jerked away and the crowd had instinctively moved forward, preventing his escape. So that meant that he had front row seats to the shit show directly in front of him. 

“Is it true what they say about you chinks, then? You’d gladly fuck anyone is they’d be your sugar daddy?” Corey Anderson leered and the petite Asian girl who had her head downcast, eyes darting around for anything to escape. He and a bunch of other guys had surrounded her, and every time she tried to make a move they’d shove her back into her original position. 

“Is it true then? I got money, and you’re cute...for a chink.” He continued his verbal beatdown. Connor felt nauseous, it wasn’t uncommon for guys like that- rich, entitled and arrogant- to pick on kids like her -smaller, defenseless and quiet. To her credit, her eyes were still dry and she held her ground, not making a single sound. 

“Tell you what? If the sex is as good as they say-” Suddenly, something seemed to snap in the girl and she finally raised her head, looking at Anderson straight in the eyes. 

“Woah, watch out guys she might know karate,” Anderson and his cronies cackled as if this was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. To be fair, she was almost a head smaller than any of them but Connor knew those eyes and if it had been anyone except that particular group of assholes he might have stepped in. They were the eyes of someone who was Pissed. With the capital P. Instead of punching the guy or yelling, she flashed a grin at Anderson. 

“D’aww. Guys, I think she likes me,” Anderson took a step closer until he was almost toe to toe with the girl. Connor saw it before anyone else. It was in the way she braced her feet and arched her neck back just a little further back than needed and had to hold back a grin. 

She placed two hands on Anderson’s shoulders, jerking him forward. He lost his balance and stumbled forward, simultaneously the girl slammed her forehead into his nose. There was a resounding crack and suddenly everyone was backing away as far as the hall would allow as the large blonde male let out a moan and clutched at the bottom half of his blood covered face, curled into a fetal position on the floor.

The girl’s forehead was quickly reddening and Connor winced a little, foreseeing a very large bruise. That had to hurt. 

She grabbed the collar of Anderson’s letterman jacket and hauled him up until his ear was almost at her mouth. You had to be blind to miss his flinch.

“Call me a fucking chink ever again and I promise that a broken nose is the last thing you’re worried about.” She hissed, loud enough for everyone within six feet to hear in the ensuing silence. She dropped Anderson to the floor, shooting his friends a dirty look before stalking off. People cleared the path for her shooting her glances. Fear, respect, admiration. Mostly fear though.

A beat passed for a moment after she was gone and suddenly everyone cleared off the scene, only Anderson’s friends hurrying forth to get him to the nurses' office. Conor hurried off to his first class, not wanting to get any more involved than he already was.

That didn’t stop him from clapping a hand over his mouth to hide the grin when a Rebecca Lee got called to the principal’s office.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I mean I get that Anderson was- is- a dick but-” Alana began immediately after he finished the story.

“But I didn’t think he’d really sink low enough to pick on a girl!” Zoe exclaimed, a glare fixed at some distant point as if she could burn an imaginary Anderson with her gaze.

Alana sighed. “Actually I was going to say but violence shouldn’t have been the answer. But yes I do agree with Zoe...that was really shitty of him.” 

Connor shrugged. “It was the only way to shut him up. It worked anyway. Nobody messed with her after that.” Kids who didn’t get picked on like him and Becca didn’t always get it. To them, there was always the ‘ignore’ or the ‘talk to someone’ options. But the world wasn’t that nice and sometimes the easiest way was to scare the other person and hope they didn’t have the guts to come back for more. 

Evan finally understood the “violent” part of the “violent emo loner” tag that Connor had attached to Becca and himself. Sure Connor had gotten into scuffles that sometimes ended up in a couple of stitches or a busted lip but Becca had actually...Evan shuddered a little, rubbing his still paler than normal forearm in empathetic pain 

“That...did absolutely nothing to improve my impression of her,” Jared announced and everyone groaned. Quintessential Jared. And Alana started to spew out an explanation on the significance of the story while Jared bickered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are racial slurs in this chapter so just be warned

Evan had established a sort of routine. He usually hung out with Connor or some other member of the gang but the couple of times a week when his free periods didn't match up with theirs he'd go to the dance studio to find Becca. And she'd always be there.

Sometimes he'd watch her as she practiced her dance routines and others they'd just sit around and talk. They tried to avoid talking about Connor. 

Today was one of the sit around and talk days. 

“...which is how that school-wide meme suddenly appeared.” Becca finished the unfortunate tale of why she was almost banned from the chemistry lab and Evan was rolling on the floor gasping for breath. 

“And you just...ran?” Evan heaved out, tears streaming down his face as he stared at Becca in disbelief.

“It was a tactical retreat.” Becca defended as Evan went into another fit of laughter. Finally, she saw the absurdity of the statement and just laughed along with him. 

After a couple of minutes that left Evan gasping for breath and nursing a stitch in his side, he sat up and wiped away the tears of laughter from his eyes. “Y-you know, you're really easy to talk to.” He told Becca, which made her throw back her head and laugh. 

“That's a new one. Certainly explains why I'm ever so popular.” She barked out a laugh, Evan shook his head earnestly.

“No really. Take it from the kid with social anxiety. N-normally I wouldn't be able to talk to someone like this.” Becca smiled wearily at him.

“Evan, no offense pretty boy, but you talk to a lot of people that nobody else feels comfortable talking to.” In that moment they both knew the one person she was actually referring to but neither commented on it. Instead, Evan bunched up the hem of his shirt and took a deep breath before blurting out. 

“You could too!” Becca looked at him, clearly a little confused, so Evan explained the plan that he’d been concocting at the back of his mind for the past week. 

“Y-you could hang out with the rest of my...group? They’reallreallynicebutyoudon’thaveto-”

“Evan. Breathe,” Becca commanded and Evan shut up and took a shaky breath. Trying to calm his fluttering heart. Becca was never mean and she never said anything mean but still Evan was a nervous wreck about this. He took another breath for good measure. 

“Are you inviting me to a group...outing?” Becca clarified. Evan nodded, grateful that he didn’t have to repeat himself again. “Gee, pretty boy...I dunno. It’s really sweet of you and all but-”

“I think you’d get along with them. Really.” Evan pleaded. He knew better than most how it felt to be alone. Becca handled hers well, crafting it into a mask of general apathy and disinterest, but there were times when she was laughing or talking or dancing when it cracked just momentarily and there it was. The loneliness and sadness in the set of her mouth, the gratefulness of having someone there in her eyes. It was there, and in those moments she resembled him and Connor and the rest of the group before they found each other so strongly that Evan just wanted to fix it.

“Evan, really. I think it’s nice of you but-”

“Just...Please? There’s this really nice ice cream place that we go to hang out. It could be...fun? Please?” Evan pleaded again. He widened his eyes into what Jared and Connor called his “puppy dog eyes”. They were weak to it. Becca hesitated before sighing and running a hand through her hair. 

“I’ll think about it.” She finally responded. 

“I was thinking this Friday. Is that ok?” Evan prodded. He knew the studio closed early then, Connor had complained about it more than once when he’d gotten his tap shoes locked up for the weekend.

“Yeah, if I got nothing on.” She replied coolly, and a part of Evan dared to hope for victory. 

“I’ll text you the details then,” Evan glanced at the clock, his free period was almost over and he got up to leave. 

“Evan…” Becca started. Evan froze, oh no she was having second thoughts, wasn’t she. The power of the puppy dog eyes hadn’t been enough. “I’m pretty sure you don’t have my number.”

Evan almost sighed in relief. “Oh yeah silly me.” He fumbled around and fished his phone out of his bag the same time that Becca grabbed hers from one of the many shelves that held stacks of CDs. It was a simple pink flip phone and Evan couldn’t help staring. Who used a flip phone in this day and age. He wordlessly exchanged his phone with Becca’s and saw that she had already programmed it to add a new contact, which Evan was glad for. He typed in his number, the tap of Becca’s fingers across his phone screen and the beep of the flip phone’s buttons were the only sounds in the room. 

When they were done they took their respective phones back, Evan shoved his back into his pocket and Becca put hers back on the shelf. They stood facing each other a little awkwardly until Becca opened her mouth the same time Evan did.

“You should-”

“I should-”

Evan giggled and Becca rolled her eyes. “You should get going to class.” Becca finished, and Evan nodded. 

“I’ll text you.” Evan reminded and Becca made a noise at the back of her throat as she made her way to the stereo which Evan took as an ‘I know’. Satisfied, a little nervous but excited for the end of the week, Evan left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, why are we here again?” Jared whined, stretching his long legs under the bench and effectively managing to turn himself into the very image of an overgrown nine-year-old. Evan’s leg was bouncing under the table. Becca was almost ten minutes late and Evan couldn’t help but wonder if she’d decided to bail or if she’ gotten into an accident and was lying in a ditch somewhere and the last text she'd gotten may have been from Evan and-

Connor placed a hand on his thigh and gently squeezed. He and Zoe had been just as confused when Evan had gathered them all in A La Mode via text and his only explanation was that he had a bit of a surprise for them. Not they never hung out together here but it was almost time for mid-years and they thought Evan would be barricading himself in his room and cramming. Not that they were complaining, it would be good for Evan to just relax and chill. It was honestly the ‘surprise’ that they were a little wary about. Alana had already texted earlier that she would be a little late since she was caught up with the Yearbook Committee and told them to go ahead.

Just then, there was the purr of a motorcycle’s engine which made every person in the ice cream parlour turn to look out of the large glass windows that spanned the length of the wall. A sleek black motorcycle pulled into the parking lot, Evan wasn’t too sure what model it was except that it wasn’t a Vespa or a Harley Davidson. The rider pulled into an open spot near the building and dismounted. They took off the black helmet they’d been wearing and shook out their shoulder-length hair.

Evan breathed a sigh of relief. It was Becca. So she hadn’t decided to bail. The bell at the shop entrance jingled as she pushed the door and Evan knew that all eyes were on her. In her black leather jacket, riding gloves and scuffed boots, she was a far cry from A La Mode’s usual clientele, which mostly consisted of young families, groups of friends like Evan’s and retirees. She looked out of place standing in the middle of the pastel oasis which was A La Mode’s colour scheme, craning her neck as if searching for something. Oh wait, Evan almost facepalmed. She couldn’t see them sitting in the booths. Evan got up and waved while the rest of his table alternated between staring at him and staring at Becca. She caught the motion from across the room and strode resolutely towards the group, looking like a soldier that was going to war. 

“Hi-erm-guys this is-” Evan started.

“Oh my god Evan, did you fucking clone a genderbent Connor Murphy?! Dude, I know you’re bi but this is way beyond kinky.” Jared whisper-shouted, not trying to be discreet. Evan swore he could feel the eyes of every staff and customer fixed on their booth.

“S-shut up, Jared. ‘Snot like that.” Evan mumbled, picking at the hem of his shirt. Becca and Connor were behaving like two cats having a face-off, they’d either get along or this would get ugly. Zoe was thoroughly confused, clearly having no idea who Becca was.And Jared...Well, he was the only one behaving like he normally did. 

“Is this what they’re teaching you in AP Biology? If so, I’m gonna transfer and-”

“Come on Kleinman, you know me.” Becca plonked herself down next to Evan and picked up the menu. “Because I remember you giving out Math and Science books to every Asian on campus and asking if we got off to it. By the way, my teachers love your doodles on the tangent graphs.” Jared spluttered a little, surprised at being called on for his bullshit. Evan tried, unsuccessfully, to hide his giggle while Connor openly guffawed and even Zoe grinned into her parfait. 

“It was artistic license,” Jared, defended, hand on his heart to feign hurt which made both Connor and Becca snort at the same time, surprising everyone at the table including the two of them. “Oh my god...they’re even syncing up,” Jared muttered, his jaw dropping overdramatically in the way only Jared could make look natural. The boy was practically two-thirds drama. 

“Hi, can I get you anything?” the waitress asked notebook in hand, eyeing Becca a little warily. 

“Yeah...I’ll have a banana split. Chocolate flavoured please.” Becca responded quickly after giving the menu a once over. The waitress nodded and took down the order before setting down a glass of water for Becca. 

Becca played a little with the straw, spinning it around the glass and letting the ice clink gently at the sides of the glass. The awkwardness had returned with a vengeance and Evan wished Alana was here with her endless list of small talk. “So...er, am I going to be introduced or what?” Zoe finally spoke up. 

Evan was about to open his mouth when Becca bent over the table, palm out to shake Zoe’s hand. “Rebecca Lee. People usually call me Becca.” They shook hands firmly and quickly. 

“Zoe Murphy. I’m Connor’s sister.” Becca nodded and relaxed back onto her seat. 

“So, how do you know Evan?” Zoe continued. Evan was a little confused as to why she hadn’t asked about Becca’s relationship with Connor and then he realised that Zoe had thought that Evan was Connor’s first friend. Connor really hadn’t wanted anyone to know about Becca. Becca, whether she already knew or whether she didn’t care, looked completely unfazed.

“Big Murphy over there,” She jerked her head at Connor before continuing, “brought Evan into the dance studio. We started talking from there.” Zoe nodded, seemingly satisfied by the answer. 

“Evan...you smooth mother-,” Jared caught the glare of the young mother opposite them and quick amended, “-fella, why is it that you get to talk to all the pretty people?” Jared grumbled. 

“M-maybe because I don’t start conversations by in-insulting them,” Evan shot back, talking back to people other than in his head was still unfamiliar, but he was rewarded by a one-armed squeeze from a laughing Connor, a grin from Becca and a snort from Zoe as Jared stared at him gobsmacked before launching into a series of complaints about how Becca and Connor were clearly bad influences on Evan. 

They were interrupted by the waitress serving them Becca’s banana split. Becca dug in her spoon in and shoved a generous scoop of banana, ice cream and hot fudge sauce into her mouth, letting out a moan so loud that it made the others at the table blush a little. 

“Thought you had a performance coming up. You sure you should be eating that?” Connor teased, reaching out as if to pull away the bowl of ice cream. Becca immediately circled her arm around it protectively.

“Shut up and let me have my cheat day.” She mumbled through another large mouthful of banana split. 

“Hi guys, sorry I’m- Oh hi. I’m Alana Beck!” Just then Alana appeared, a little out of breath and clothes rumpled. She paused for a moment when she saw Becca and immediately straightened her posture and held out a hand, customary smile on. Becca swallowed her ice-cream a little convulsively, wincing as the large mouthful made its way down her throat. She shook Alana’s hand, eyeing her a little warily. 

“Becca.” She responded simply. 

“So you must have been the surprise Evan was talking about,” Alana chirped and she took the open seat next to Zoe. She immediately started talking about some surprise she’d gotten for her tenth birthday which had been ‘less than pleasant’. She talked animatedly, Zoe chiming in with a comment or a gasp, Jared occasionally referenced a meme no one got, Evan for the most part listened quietly except to let out a giggle and even Connor rolled his eyes or barked out a laugh or two. 

They moved easily from one topic to another. Zoe’s jazz band, yearbook preparation, the new Jumanji movie...Evan relaxed into Connor’s side, reveling in the warmth as his boyfriend wrapped an arm around him. It was peaceful and familiar and maybe that was why he hadn’t noticed Becca becoming quieter and more withdrawn as the conversation went on. 

“...and that’s why-” They were interrupted by a clatter as Becca set her spoon down into the now empty bowl of banana split. They stared at her carefully blank expression and she placed a fiver on the table and wiped her mouth with a napkin. 

“Well, that was absolutely lovely, folks,” She threw a careless grin around the table, but everyone could see how forced it was. “I’ll be off now. Don’t mind me, just keep talking.” She continued, getting up abruptly and turning to make her way out. 

“B-Becca?” Evan stammered out, not understanding what had caused her sudden change in mood. Not half an hour ago she’d been...well she’d been herself. Not this overly chirpy, jumpy Becca. 

“Sorry, Evan. But the whole friendship is magic thing? Not really my gig,” Becca held Evan’s gaze before turning away. “I’m sorry,” She finished, honestly sounding a little sad, before walking out, heels of her boots smacking against the tiled floor. The purr of the motorcycle followed soon after. 

“Yeesh, what was that?” Zoe finally commented once the silence at the table got too awkward. Evan looked absolutely miserable and Connor was whispering into his ear to comfort him. Alana was a little pale and tapped out a nervous tune on the table, running through every line of conversation to see what might have upset Becca. Even Jared was quiet as he stirred his iced coke. 

“Who knows,” Jared replied shrugging, chewing on a bit of ice. “With people like her, it’s hard to tell what exactly can set them off. She was like-” Jared stopped himself there, not wanting to cross that line. But everyone could complete the sentence: like Connor before he met Evan. 

“How exactly?” Zoe asked, lifting an eyebrow. She’d had first-hand experiences with pre-Evan Connor and Becca-until just now- had seemed nothing like it. There’d been no sudden fits of anger, no jumpiness and snarky remarks. 

Jared snorted. “You think your brother is bad? She got herself suspended for two weeks on her first day of school.” 

Zoe whipped to face Alana who she viewed as the most trustworthy news source in the whole school. “Unfortunately...that’s very true,” Alana answered her silent question, adding. “She put one of the current star quarterbacks out of commission for a whole week.” 

“You guys make it sound worse than it was,” Connor butted in, rolling his eyes. 

“You talk like you were there, Murphy,” Jared challenged, leaning forward.

“Actually I was,” Connor huffed. “Front row seats and everything.”

“Okay, then what happened?” Alana probed.

Connor looked around the table and everyone was leaning towards him as if he had been hit by the spotlight. He relaxed back into the booth seat, one arm still around Evan and drawled out “Well then…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Connor was stuck. He’d been minding his own business at his locker when there’d been a crash from the locker not two feet away from him, making the whole row shudder. He’d instinctively jerked away and the crowd had instinctively moved forward, preventing his escape. So that meant that he had front row seats to the shit show directly in front of him. 

“Is it true what they say about you chinks, then? You’d gladly fuck anyone is they’d be your sugar daddy?” Corey Anderson leered and the petite Asian girl who had her head downcast, eyes darting around for anything to escape. He and a bunch of other guys had surrounded her, and every time she tried to make a move they’d shove her back into her original position. 

“Is it true then? I got money, and you’re cute...for a chink.” He continued his verbal beatdown. Connor felt nauseous, it wasn’t uncommon for guys like that- rich, entitled and arrogant- to pick on kids like her -smaller, defenseless and quiet. To her credit, her eyes were still dry and she held her ground, not making a single sound. 

“Tell you what? If the sex is as good as they say-” Suddenly, something seemed to snap in the girl and she finally raised her head, looking at Anderson straight in the eyes. 

“Woah, watch out guys she might know karate,” Anderson and his cronies cackled as if this was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. To be fair, she was almost a head smaller than any of them but Connor knew those eyes and if it had been anyone except that particular group of assholes he might have stepped in. They were the eyes of someone who was Pissed. With the capital P. Instead of punching the guy or yelling, she flashed a grin at Anderson. 

“D’aww. Guys, I think she likes me,” Anderson took a step closer until he was almost toe to toe with the girl. Connor saw it before anyone else. It was in the way she braced her feet and arched her neck back just a little further back than needed and had to hold back a grin. 

She placed two hands on Anderson’s shoulders, jerking him forward. He lost his balance and stumbled forward, simultaneously the girl slammed her forehead into his nose. There was a resounding crack and suddenly everyone was backing away as far as the hall would allow as the large blonde male let out a moan and clutched at the bottom half of his blood covered face, curled into a fetal position on the floor.

The girl’s forehead was quickly reddening and Connor winced a little, foreseeing a very large bruise. That had to hurt. 

 

She grabbed the collar of Anderson’s letterman jacket and hauled him up until his ear was almost at her mouth. You had to be blind to miss his flinch.

“Call me a fucking chink ever again and I promise that a broken nose is the last thing you’re worried about.” She hissed, loud enough for everyone within six feet to hear in the ensuing silence. She dropped Anderson to the floor, shooting his friends a dirty look before stalking off. People cleared the path for her shooting her glances. Fear, respect, admiration. Mostly fear though.

A beat passed for a moment after she was gone and suddenly everyone cleared off the scene, only Anderson’s friends hurrying forth to get him to the nurses' office. Conor hurried off to his first class, not wanting to get any more involved than he already was.

That didn’t stop him from clapping a hand over his mouth to hide the grin when a Rebecca Lee got called to the principal’s office.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I mean I get that Anderson was- is- a dick but-” Alana began immediately after he finished the story.

“But I didn’t think he’d really sink low enough to pick on a girl!” Zoe exclaimed, a glare fixed at some distant point as if she could burn an imaginary Anderson with her gaze.

Alana sighed. “Actually I was going to say but violence shouldn’t have been the answer. But yes I do agree with Zoe...that was really shitty of him.” 

Connor shrugged. “It was the only way to shut him up. It worked anyway. Nobody messed with her after that.” Kids who didn’t get picked on like him and Becca didn’t always get it. To them, there was always the ‘ignore’ or the ‘talk to someone’ options. But the world wasn’t that nice and sometimes the easiest way was to scare the other person and hope they didn’t have the guts to come back for more. 

Evan finally understood the “violent” part of the “violent emo loner” tag that Connor had attached to Becca and himself. Sure Connor had gotten into scuffles that sometimes ended up in a couple of stitches or a busted lip but Becca had actually...Evan shuddered a little, rubbing his still paler than normal forearm in empathetic pain 

“That...did absolutely nothing to improve my impression of her,” Jared announced and everyone groaned. Quintessential Jared. And Alana started to spew out an explanation on the significance of the story while Jared bickered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far


	7. Chapter 7

Connor wasn't even pissed anymore. He was tired. Okay, that was half due to insomnia. And yes he was a little cranky. But emotionally...he was tired. 

Which was why when he skipped just about all of his morning classes after spending the whole night trying to comfort a downcast Evan to find Becca, and when he did finally find her at her locker where she decided to appear after her disappearing act since last evening, he decided to cut all the niceties because fuck that.

“The hell was that yesterday?” He barked out, the hallways were mercifully empty because most kids were sitting in their classrooms and attending lessons. 

Becca sighed, looked him straight in the eye and responded, “I have no idea what you're talking about. I had an absolutely lovely time with my-”

“Becca. Please don't do this. Not now.” Connor groaned as Becca went back to grabbing some textbooks and shoving them into her bag. She slammed her locker shut, making Connor jump a little. 

“Don't see why you care, Murphy. I'm just your fucking dirty little secret, aren't I?” Becca whipped around to hiss at him. 

Connor was genuinely stumped. He knew he'd never really talked about her or anything but wasn't that going a bit far. “What the hell makes you say that?” He demanded.

Becca barked out a sharp laugh and in that moment, Connor knew she was Pissed. With the capital P. “Gee whiz, Connor. What in the hell doesn't? We have one argument and one week later you've got three new bffs and I got stuck with the consolation prize of five months of fucking radio silence. Oh, and the best part is, for some reason...none of them knew I even existed until they were forced to meet me.” 

She paused to take a breath before continuing. “But I could have dealt with that. The whole secrecy thing? I geddit. But you could have at least texted to show me that you didn't suddenly decide to forget I existed.” Becca’s eyes were bright with angry, unshed tears and Connor’s heart clenched a little at the sight. 

“I broke my phone and lost my contacts.” He replied lamely. He didn't have any excuse really and Becca called him out on it. 

“As if that's ever stopped you before,” her voice fell to barely above a murmur and she scrubbed fiercely at her eyes. 

“I get it, ok. You don't need me anymore. Just...please just leave me alone. I don't need this right now.” She tried her best to blink away the tears and all Connor could do was stand there. 

“I’m sorry. I didn't mean it that way, I swear. It's just-”

Becca spoke up to cut him off, the tears were running down her face and she was wearing a slightly manic grin. “Well you know what, Murphy. I don't care. Go back to frolicking in your happy little field of friendship. I'm glad you've found actual friends that you are proud to show off to the world.” She spat out, shouldering past him. 

“You're not being fair, Becca. I already said I'm sorry. What more do you want from me?” Connor almost yelled at her. He was frustrated, half with himself for not being able to fix it but the other half was pissed at Becca. 

“You have some balls to talk to me about being fair, Murphy.” Becca chuckled mirthlessly. “I don't know okay.” She raised her voice. “ I don't know what I want out of you but a sorry ain't gonna cut it this time. Just...leave me alone. Go back to braiding your hair or making friendship bracelets or whatever it is that you do nowadays. But please. Just leave me alone. I'll tell you when I'm ready to hear it.” She finished, hugging her bag to her chest, mouth set in a straight line and ran off, not giving Connor a chance to say anything.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Jared Kleinman had a weird sleep schedule. Especially when mid-years were drawing closer and the whole week had been weird. 

First, they'd had a Friday hang out with Rebecca friggin Mini Connor Murphy Lee which led to her gtfo-ing the second she finished her ice cream. 

Then Connor himself had a whole bunch of mood swings from contemplative to cranky over the weekend and it stayed at cranky whenever someone mentioned Becca over the course of the week.

And at the same time, Evan had taken turns about being depressed about not managing to get Becca into their little friendship circle and being stressed about mid-years.

At least Zoe and Alana were still sort of normal even after the initial confusion last Friday but then again they were busy with mid-years preparations too. Or making out at Alanna’s. Or whatever they do closer to mid-years.

Which left Jared alone with his weird sleep schedule. Which would explain why he was in the park at two in the morning listening to Bob Marley and thinking about every dickish thing he'd done over the course of his high school life. 

Evan always just laughed uncomfortably at his antics. Connor and the others tended to have a more ‘roll their eyes and put it down to immaturity’ reaction. Becca on the other hand...nobody really confronted or talked to him about the shit he did. Not that he wanted them to but sometimes it felt like no one actually saw or noticed him. They just tolerated him since he was part of the background.

He didn't really pick on others because he thought it was cool. And it wasn't really for the attention...okay maybe a little. But if his picking on others meant that he got at least one cheap laugh from someone popular while preventing himself from getting bullied, he'd do it. High school was a lot more dog eat dog than people gave it credit for and it was always safer the higher on the social ladder you were. 

He didn't anymore. Not since the start of the year when Evan finally broke down and told him how much the whole ‘just family friends’ thing hurt him. 

But Becca reminded him that he had been a dick to a lot more people than just Evan and Connor. He'd seen it as teasing. But what he saw it as didn't really matter to others.

In his peripheral vision, he could see a figure jogging up to where he was sitting. Internally he groaned, it'd be very karma-ish for him to get mugged, wouldn't it? Especially since he had no cash on him. 

As the figure jogged closer to the flickering light of the lamppost, Jared felt his jaw drop. The heck was Rebecca Lee doing jogging in a park at two in the morning? 

He knew she'd seen him too when she hesitated, probably wondering whether to speed ahead or to stop and chat. 

“It's two in the morning,” Jared said out loud, wincing a little at the lameness of the statement. Smooth Jared. Real smooth. 

Amazingly it worked, Rebecca stopped in front of the bench he was lying outstretched on, hands on her knees and panting slightly. “So it is.” She gasped out when she'd finally caught her breath.

“What're you doing out here?” Jared tried.

“Could ask you the same thing,” Rebecca shot back, straightening up to look at him. 

“I was revising Chemistry.” Jared lied, Rebecca raised an eyebrow but didn't call him out on it. 

“Well, then I was taking a really fast walk that's generally referred to as a jog.” She responded, straightening up and looking at him defiantly. 

“At two in the morning?” 

“Well, I find the night air super refreshing and the stars are absolutely gorgeous.” There was so much sarcasm dripping off of her that it was puddling onto the floor at this point. Suddenly she sighed at ran a hand through her hair. “Sorry, that was uncalled for.”

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. He didn't feel hurt or anything but if she was nice enough to apologise he might as well take it. “So really, what are you doing up?”

“Probably the same reason as you,” Becca approached the bench and Jared got up to make space for her to sit. 

“I’ve got insomnia,” Jared replied as she plonked herself into the seat next to him.

“Eh, close ‘nuff.” She replied with a shrug. Just then there was a beeping and Rebecca fished out a phone from her pocket. A flip phone. Who the hell uses a flip phone nowadays? She read the message on the screen, groaned and flipped down the screen. 

“Whats up?” Jared prodded, “Got busted for sneaking out late?”

“Nah...there’s some stuff going on in my neighbourhood. The neighbours texted to tell me not to come home at the moment. Welp, looks like I’ll be sleeping rough tonight.” Maybe it was the darkness or the fact that there is always a strange camaraderie between people who meet in parks at two in the morning, but Rebecca suddenly seemed weirdly relaxed. Shoulders slumped in resignation and running a hand through her already unruly hair. 

And maybe it was the darkness or the fact that there is always a strange camaraderie between people who meet in parks at two in the morning which was why Jared surprised himself by saying, “If you want, we can go back to my house. It’s not that far from here.” 

Rebecca eyed him warily, which was expected since people who you’ve had a total of two conversations with do not just invite you over to their house. He fully expected her to refuse, which was why when she huffed out a breath and responded, “Well, I’ve got nothing to lose. Let’s go.” He was more than thoroughly lost for words. 

He hadn’t exactly regained his abilities to talk after ten minutes of walking and they’d arrived at his front door. Rebecca suddenly seemed like a wild animal, surrounded by the lawn lights and street lamps which threw shadows onto her face. Wary and picking every step she took cautiously, hands shoved deep into the pockets of the hoodie that she wore as protection against the cold. She looked small and vulnerable. Jared almost felt a little sorry for her. 

He unlocked the front door and let himself in, motioning to Rebecca to follow him. She removed her shoes at the front entrance, drawing a curious glance from Jared as he walked right into the house, shoes and all. There was the click of a light switch from upstairs and his mother appeared at the landing, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“Jared, you’re back-oh hello. Who’s this?” She and Rebecca eyed each other warily and Jared could almost see the small Asian girl getting ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble. 

“This is Becca,” the nickname felt foreign on his tongue and in his mind. “She kinda needs a place to sleep tonight.” 

“Oh well then, welcome to our home, Becca. Jared, I’m sure you can be a good host.” His mum directed a warm smile at Becca and went back into her room, closing the door gently behind her. Jared did not miss the flicker of confusion that crossed Becca’s face.

“So er, do you want a shower? Or food?” Jared asked her, the awkwardness finally deciding to settle into the air. Becca shrugged.Jared sighed, “If you want a shower, bathrooms at the end of the hall upstairs. I’ve got some old clothes that might fit you. My bedroom’s the one with the green door. You can’t miss it.” 

Jared flitted into the kitchen to grab a bag of Doritos before heading up the stairs to his room. He heard the sound of the shower running and grabbed a set of pajamas he’d outgrown in his early teens. They were black with a pattern of the various moon phases all over it. He folded them and put them outside the bathroom door. When he returned to his room he stood in the middle of it, feeling a little lost at the outlandishness of the situation.

This was the sort of thing that happened in novels and comics..and here he was lending his shower to a girl he’d talked to a grand total of three times. So Jared did what he did best when he didn’t really know what to do. He flopped into his computer chair, plugged in his headphones and played a round of solitaire on the computer. 

When he turned around, he nearly had a heart attack. There was Becca, in his old pajamas, sitting on his bed and watching him. God, she was quiet. He removed his headphones and swiveled the chair around to face her.

“Your mum...is weirdly okay with you bringing random kids over.” It was a statement more than a question. 

“Yeah, it’s kinda a long story.”

“Oh. Ok then.” She proceeded to pull out her phone and started tapping at the buttons. 

“That's it? Aren't you gonna ask me anything? We could be inviting you in to murder you.” Jared stared at Becca and she met his gaze unflinchingly.

“In that case, your mum is a very polite murderer,” Becca deadpanned. Jared facepalmed.

“That really isn't the point.” Becca had pointedly started tapping on her phone again. Jared groaned.

“So...what was the deal between you and Connor?” She glanced up at him from beneath her eyelashes and her fingers stilled. 

“There isn't one. Not anymore.” 

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really?”

“Well too bad. I'm curious.”

Becca flipped her phone shut and curled into a ball, drawing her knees to her chest and hugging them. “We had an argument. Didn't start talking again until a couple of weeks ago.”

“What was the argument about?” Jared coaxed, using his equivalent of Connor’s ‘Evan voice’.

“I wanted to go back to Hong Kong for my university education. I told Connor. He felt I was abandoning him and flipped out.” She buried her head into her knees and mumbled, “That's it, really.” 

“And he gave you the cold shoulder for that? Harsh.” Becca shrugged as bests as she could while remaining curled in a ball. 

“What were you planning to do in Hong Kong?” Jared switched topics, hoping this was a safer one. 

“The only thing I’m good at. Dance,” Becca replied firmly. “That's what the performance is for. My coach managed to get some scouts from different universities to come watch. The recording will also be used for my application.” 

Jared let out a low whistle. “Early admit?” 

Becca nodded. “Hoping for it.”

“When is it?” 

“Day after.”

“Scared?”

“Fucking terrified.” 

“What do you do to relax? Besides going out jogging at two in the morning.” Becca finally uncurled herself enough to look at him. “Watch movies, I guess?” She answered, a little uncertain of where this was going.

“Looks like we have that much in common,” Jared grinned and grabbed his laptop and the bag of Doritos. “Move, I'm gay!” He announced, before jumping onto the bed.

Becca snorted, “can you not quote vines.” She retorted, scooting over while Jared built a makeshift table out of pillows and rested his laptop onto it. 

“I am though,” he replied, pouting. “Actually I'm pan but eh. What flag do you fly?”

“Straight ally.” Becca held up her hands in mock surrender as Jared got the laptop started up. 

“What kind of movies you watch?” Jared asked clicking on Google. 

“Anything and everything. Anime movies most of the time.”

“Never would have taken you for an otaku.”

“I'm not. I'm just a casual.” 

“So whaddya wanna watch?” Jared asked, logging onto his Crunchyroll account and passing the laptop to Becca.

“What are you in the mood for?” Becca asked, mouse hovering over the search engine.

“Do you have anything that'll blow my mind?” Becca suddenly grinned. 

“I think. I know just the thing.” Becca typed a few words into the engine, Jared noted that she was a two finger typer and almost laughed.

“Perfect blue?” He asked. The art style looked kinda old. He read through the synopsis and turned to her, confused. “Sounds pretty normal. This the best you got?” 

Becca rolled her eyes and clicked play. “Trust me. It's good.” Jared shrugged and set the laptop back onto the pillows, lying on his stomach to watch while Becca stayed in her little ball. 

One and half hours later, Jared stared at the screen as the last of the credits scrolled past. “What the actual...damn.” 

“Told you it was good,” Becca quipped. “It's one of my favourite films from this director.” 

“Are the others this good?” Jared asked. 

“Depends on what you're looking for. They aren't bad though.” Becca had long since uncurled herself from the ball and was now sitting cross-legged and leaning against the wall. 

“Show me another,” Jared demanded. 

“What are you looking for?” Becca asked again, reaching for the laptop.

“Something that made you cry.” He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes.

“Don't have one. I've got a couple of them that almost did though.” 

“Okay never mind then. My turn.” Jared snatched the laptop from her. “If this doesn't make you bawl, I don't know what will.”   
He put the laptop back onto the pillows as ‘Life is Beautiful’ started playing. 

Two hours later, Becca handed Jared another tissue as he violently blew his nose again. She was dry-eyed and Jared glared at her balefully. “You Monster.” 

Becca chuckled. “If I wanted something to cry about, I'd just look at my love life.”

“What about it?” Jared asked, nudging her playfully and laughing.

“Don't have one. And the only guy I ever liked turned out to be gay.” Jared's mouth dropped as he realised what she was getting at.

“No way. Connor Murphy?” Becca didn't say anything but there was a blush steadily spreading across her face.

“Oh my gawd.” Jared stared at her as she laughed uncomfortably. “Yeah, I know. Pathetic right. Especially since he probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore.” 

“I'm sure that's not the case, man. The dude is just...well he's just awkward at these kinds of things. Probably didn't know how to say sorry back then. Probably still doesn’t really know how to.”

“Yeah, he just got himself some new friends instead. Much more convenient.” She muttered. The post-movie high was immediately replaced with the awkwardness from earlier.

“Hey. For what it's worth. I kinda geddit.” Jared finally spoke up. Becca turned to look at him from the corner of her eye clearly not buying it. “I…Evan and I...well we were best friends when we were kids. And then he started developing anxiety and I was kinda a dick to him. And that went on for a long time.

It's not that I hated him or anything, I liked his company. But I had to be mean to him because...I didn't know what else to do. And then he met Connor and he didn't need me anymore. We went for almost a month of just not taking or interacting with each other. 

Bottom line is: I know it's not the same. But I kinda get what you're feeling. It sucks when an old friend gets a new friend and all of a sudden you wonder if they ever really considered you a friend or if they were just tolerating you. You wonder if you ever really mattered to them.” 

Becca was silent for a moment before finally saying, “You matter. It's obvious to anyone that looks. You matter to them.” 

Jared nodded mutely, noting the change in tense and wondering how she managed to see past his insecurities. Even in the little clique, Alana had Zoe, Evan had Connor. Jared didn't really fit in anywhere and sometimes he felt that he was struggling to make conversation and connect with them. Sometimes he felt that he could disappear, and no one would notice. 

Outside a bird trilled and Becca turned to stare at the window where the noise had come from. She flipped her phone open and stared at the time. It was almost six in the morning. Neither of them had slept. Becca abruptly got up and Jared listened to her walk down the hall and close what he presumed was the bathroom door. He buried his face in the mattress and ran both hands through his hair. He didn’t know if baring his heart had made any difference to Becca and she had such a poker face when it came to things like this. 

After a while he turned to stare at the ceiling, folding his arms behind his head, thought were buzzing beneath the surface but he couldn’t be bothered to organise them. Instead, letting them drift to the surface whenever they felt like it.   
Becca must have been torn up the whole Connor thing.

Probably why she stormed out on Friday when Connor had been having a good time with everyone.

She didn’t talk that much after a while did she.

He hadn’t touched the Doritos. Breakfast then.

She looked pretty cute wearing his old pajamas.

What the fuck was with that last thought? He grabbed onto that one and analysed it a little. From an aesthetic viewpoint, was Becca cute? Cute didn’t quite cut it, cool would be closer especially with her high cheekbones and sharp features. But in his too large pajamas? Yeah, cute. Did he like her? That was a bit harder… She was a bit of a mess. So was he. And they didn’t know each other that well. But they’d clicked. At least she had good taste in movies. Jared honestly didn’t know so he decided to leave that train of thought for another day. Whatever happened would happen. 

Just then Becca appeared back in the room, she’d changed back into her clothes from yesterday. Hoodie, T-shirt, and tights. “I’ve put your pajamas into the laundry hamper.” Jared nodded, feeling the energy drain out of him and he was suddenly too lazy to sit up. 

“I should get going. Whatever was going down earlier should be over by now.” He felt rather than saw her standing a little awkwardly in the middle of the room. “I’ll be off then. See you.” 

“Hey, Becca.” He called out. The soft pads of her footsteps stopped. “If you ever need, a place to spend the night… or a place to hang out, my mum is weirdly okay with me bringing random people home.” 

“Thanks.” She said softly. “And thanks for… well everything, really. But thanks for telling me about you and Evan. As fucked up as it is, I’m glad that someone gets it.” 

“Do you want my number? To talk about whatever. And also so I can send you more awesome Vines.” Becca rolled her eyes and he heard her padding closer. He turned his head to see an outstretched arm with a flip phone in it. It was already opened to the add new contact page. He keyed in his number and snapped the phone shut before passing it back to her.

“Also, who the hell uses a flip phone in this day and age.” He finally complained. 

“I do,” she responded bluntly. Fingers flying over the keypad of her phone for a few seconds before flipping it shut and shoving it into her pocket. 

“We need to get you a smartphone before you head off to Hong Kong.” He grumbled.

“If I get there,” She sighed.

“You will,” Jared shut his eyes, he didn’t know how he knew this but he did. “I’ll give even you one if it comes down to it.”

“Thanks,” Becca said with a quick laugh, it was a low quiet sound. “I’ll be off then.”

Jared made a sound of agreement and shut his eyes. When he opened them, sunlight was filtering through the window and Becca was gone. If not for internet history, he wouldn’t have believed that she’d even been there.


	8. Chapter 8

Evan sat on the couch fiddling with the sleeve of his light blue dress shirt, waiting for Connor to pick him up. After the fiasco with Becca and the rest of the group, he hadn’t expected to hear from her ever again. Especially after she hadn’t responded to his twenty or so ‘sorry’ and ‘please tell me what I did wrong’ texts. Which was why when Jared, of all people, shoved two tickets to a dance performance into Evan’s hands earlier today and told him that they were from Becca, he had been very thoroughly confused. 

So he roped a mildly disgruntled Connor into going to the performance with him via the use of puppy dog eyes. Apparently, he and Becca had ‘exchanged words’ and Connor really didn't want to deal with her at the moment. But Evan had a gut feeling that this was important. Plus he and Connor hadn't had time for a date recently so this would make a good change of pace. For both of them. 

Which Evan was beginning to doubt every moment he spent away from his books. He’d already stress-cleaned the whole living room so the only thing he could do was wait on the couch for Connor, right leg bouncing. The doorbell rang just then and Evan shot off to answer it, yanking the door open and almost taking the latch with it. 

Connor was early, and Evan almost went weak in the knees when he saw what he was wearing. He was dressed in a black casual blazer over a grey T-shirt that showed off his collar bones, and the skinny jeans definitely weren’t helping Evan. God, he was gorgeous. Connor grabbed Evan’s chin, tipping his head up and pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

“How the hell can one person make the colour blue look so gorgeous,” he whispered after they broke away, Evan promptly felt his face becoming a tomato as he giggled. 

“We need to get going,” Evan murmured, conscious that his hands had snuck up to the small of Connor’s back where they rested.

“I dunno, this seems pretty comfortable,” Connor growled playfully, pressing kisses all over Evan’s face and eliciting more giggle. Evan swatted at his arm and Connor broke away, pouting. “Come on, let’s not waste the tickets,” he grinned, one hand still on Connor’s back as they walked towards Connor’s SUV. 

The drive to the concert hall where the performance being held was filled with small talk and laughs when Connor tried to sing along to a pop song and took great liberty in changing the lyrics. They showed the usher their tickets, got their program and got seated. They were seated in the last row on the first floor, conveniently close to the exit. People filtered in, taking their own seats and Evan was pleasantly surprised to see that most were young adults around his age. He’d been a little worried that they’d be out of place here but they blended quite seamlessly into the crowd. 

The lights dimmed and a hush fell over the room as the emcee went on stage to give the usual reminders (silence your phones, try not to leave until the intermission, etc.) In the dark, Connor held Evan’s hand loosely and whispered to him that if it got too much they could leave anytime. Evan squeezed Connor’s hand and flashed him a smile. He was actually a little excited to watch the performance if the other dancers were as nearly as good as Becca, it was going to be spectacular. 

The emcee explained that the performance was an annual charity event by the youths of the area and that it featured danced groups both locally and from the nearby towns. Connor silently yawned pointedly, getting a giggle and a playful elbow from Evan. When the first group came on stage, Evan rested his head on Connor’s shoulder and made himself comfortable. 

Becca didn’t appear until the last five minutes of the first half. The other forty minutes hadn’t exactly been a disappointment though. It had been mostly group dances but there had been a couple of other solo performances. Hip-hop, contemporary, modern. Evan had been entranced by the seemingly impossible movements of the dancers and their coordination. Connor was mindlessly drawing circles on the back of Evan’s hand with his thumb. He had relaxed back into his seat and seemed to be enjoying the performances in his own quiet way.

When Becca went up, the crowd took on a new atmosphere. While the other groups mostly used dramatic lighting that kept half their faces in shadow and wore street clothes, Becca was dressed in a simple white shift, the stage was illuminated by a single spotlight and she was hand in hand with a younger girl. She and the girl smiled and bowed, the other girl walked out of the spotlight and took a seat at a piano, half hidden in darkness. So it was just Becca, looking small and almost vulnerable. 

The first strains of the piano music, simple and pure drifted across the concert hall. Becca started to dance, and Evan knew that the whole house was completely enraptured. Her performance was completely different from the ones before, simple and pure. Innocent almost. She moved across the stage, flowing and graceful. If Evan had thought that she looked amazing dancing in the studio, it was nothing compared to now. She was ethereal. The dress flowed around her, giving her an otherworldly appearance. 

She ended, arms slightly extended from her sides, both toes en pointe, head bowed. Evan found himself standing and clapping delightedly before he could control himself, he was followed by most of the concert hall as Becca held the pose for a few more beats before relaxing and taking a bow. She was joined by the pianist and they held hands and bowed again, broad grins on their faces. There were hoot and whistles as they walked off stage and Evan collapsed back onto his seat, breathless. 

Connor was still standing, clapping slowly, staring at some invisible point on the stage as if he could still see Becca dancing. The emcee appeared and started announcing the twenty-minute intermission. The clapping was immediately replaced by chatter as people started to file out to stretch their legs or to buy a drink from the vending machines. Just then Evan’s phone vibrated and he fished it out to read the message from Becca 

‘Don’t leave yet. My next dance is for Connor.’

Evan turned to see Connor, neck extended and staring at the message on Evan’s phone, eyebrows knitted. They checked the program and saw that Becca was once again performing only at the end of the second half. Connor groaned, claiming they’d been had and Evan laughed at him. 

“Still though. I knew she was good...but damn. I don’t even like ballet but that was good.” Connor huffed out, his lips quirking up into a small smile. Evan squeezed his hand, understanding. 

“One of these days, can I go to one of your performances?” Evan asked.

“Of course,” Connor said grinning, “I’ll make sure to request something tight and sparkly.” Evan wasn’t sure whether to laugh or blush at the image that popped into head. Connor grinned and pressed a quick kiss to Evan’s forehead. 

“What kind of dance do you think she’ll do?” Evan asked staring at the program as if willing it to make some printed answer appear.

“Well, she said it was for me so...probably some angsty with an ‘I want to murder you’ vibe,” Connor replied, nonchalantly looking at his fingernails. Evan grinned at Connor’s obvious attempt to hide his curiosity. They talked about the other performances until the end of the intermission. 

In the second half, there were more pair and solo performances. Evan gaped at a pair of ballroom dancers that whisked across the stage and almost laughed at Becca’s previous comment that Evan could now dance the waltz. Compared to them, he was toddling. There was another ballet performance with a proper tutu and everything but it wasn’t nearly as captivating as Becca’s. There was even a trio who did tap and Evan caught Connor tapping his feet to their rhythm. Finally, the emcee announced Rebecca’s name again and there were whispers amongst the audience. 

When she appeared again onstage the hush was instantaneous. Gone was the innocent fairy she had been in the first half. This time the lighting had a red tinge and she was wearing a sleeveless maroon dress with a high slit up the leg. The dress must have been made of velvet or something because it reflected the light, almost making her shimmer. When she turned to face the audience, there was a collective gasp. Evan immediately saw why, even from the back he could see the dramatic makeup on her face. Her lips were a deep red and her eyeshadow outlined her entire eye. If Zoe was here, Evan was very sure that this was what she would have called ‘fierce’. The girl from the first half was gone and in her place, there was a red vision. And she was looking straight at them. 

The song also started with what sounded like piano chords. But this was darker and heavier, the moment the haunting voice of the singer came on, Evan felt shivers down his spine. And he knew once again, the entire concert hall had been captured by the small Asian girl moving across the stage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Connor and Evan leaned against the wall next to the performer’s entrance where Becca had told them to wait via text. Connor closed his eyes, he could still hear strains of the song from Becca’s performance. 

I was your ember  
But now she’s your shade of gold

To everyone else, it had been a great performance. To Connor and Evan, it had been a declaration. If he replaced every female pronoun in the song with a male one and… well, it was the summary of what had happened. And for the first time in his life, Connor almost cried watching a dance. He knew Evan had. And so had a few other people in the audience when she’d ended the dance by crumpling to the floor. Graceful, yet raw and sincere. The song was Becca to a T.

This was Becca’s way of telling him, in the most honest way possible, that he’d hurt her. And that she was forgiving him. Closure in a way. She hadn’t smiled at the end of the performance, but she had looked directly at him before taking her bows. He finally understood what she’d meant by saying that this song was for him. 

Just then there was a burst of noise from the direction of the door and Becca all but ran out. She was still in the dress from the performance, a large hoodie thrown over it and her feet were stuffed into a familiar pair of worn Nikes. She’d scrubbed the makeup off her face leaving her looking strangely young. She and Connor eyed each other, neither saying anything.

“I’ll-uh-be over there,” Evan gestured and walked a few feet away, close enough to see what was happening but far enough to be out of earshot.

“Hey.” Becca murmured.

“Hey,” Connor’s voice was soft, matching hers. The moment felt so fragile. One wrong noise or move could shatter it all. 

“Wasn’t sure you’d come,” she joked, running a hand through her hair. The familiar nervous tic made Connor relax a little. Still the same old Becca.

“Well you were nice enough to give tickets and everything,” Connor joked back. She laughed quietly and then fell silent. “Your dance… that was something else,” Connor tried again. 

“I’m glad you liked it,” Becca replied, a small almost frightened smile on her face. Connor realised that she was as scared as him. That they’d fuck it up again.

“So is this the part where we hug it out?” Connor asked, arms open and quirking an eyebrow.

Becca stared at him for a moment before bursting out into laughter. Good, honest laughter that echoed across the parking lot. She walked into the hug, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing tightly for a moment before letting go. They immediately stepped away from each other and Becca gently punched him in the shoulder.

“Hey, what was that for,” Connor whined, rubbing his shoulder and feigning hurt. Becca just chuckled, “Felt you deserved it.”

“Yeah, I did, huh.” Connor took a deep breath. Now or never. “Hey look. I’m really sorry. About everything. Honest. And I know that I’m crap at all this apologising-” Becca held up a hand to cut him off.

“It’s fine. I accept.” She wasn’t grinning or anything, but she wore a soft, fond smile. This one reached her eyes. 

Connor let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and scratched the back of his head. “ So...you want a ride home?” He finally asked.

“Yeah,” Becca nodded quickly. “A ride sounds good.” 

They walked towards where Evan was waiting, shoulders almost touching but not quite. It wasn’t like it was they’d completely fixed whatever they’d had before. It wasn’t perfect. But they were both trying. And they were both figuring it out. And for now, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, thanks for reading the story so far :) Just a little curious, but would you like me to continue the story from here? It won't really be about the DEH gang but it'll focus more on Becca and her experiences in the future (it'll probably be in oneshot formatting). Of course, the members of the gang will be mentioned from time to time but they won't be taking center stage. Anyways, tell me what you think in the comments, I'd really love to hear your thoughts.  
> (Also, if you're curious, the songs Becca dances to are Comptine d`un autre ete and Stone Cold. Both songs are really nice so do check them out!)
> 
> Cheers,  
> LynnTrash

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so sorry if any of the characters turn out OOC >< My impression of the characters is mostly developed from the stories I've read about them since I haven't had the chance to watch the musical. Anyway, this is my first fanfic in this fandom, comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! Thanks for reading this far :) I'll do my best to update the story weekly.


End file.
